Re: a comment on Topper Fey by ALChemy	19-Jan-06/3:24 PM
I've had this poem lying around for quite a while so it's hard for me to notice what you're pointing out but I do remember that in that stanza the rhythm and melody slowed down to bring in the closing lines. I think the "Now" is what causes the stanza to slow down slightly.
Re: a comment on Topper Fey by ALChemy	19-Jan-06/3:08 PM
Thanks D. Some of the lyrics I write seem so fused to the melody and rhythm that I'm willing to bet that if 5 people came to me and sang their version of the song that at least 3 of them would sing it almost exactly how I hear it in my head.
Re: Fredrick Illinois by rahson_s	19-Jan-06/3:00 PM
Good. Play around with the line breaks a little more. See if you can get any added effect from them.
Re: a comment on What is it about brothers? by Tara57	19-Jan-06/2:51 PM
Careful now, you'll scare her away for another year.
Re: a comment on Racism 4 by Dovina	19-Jan-06/2:14 PM
I didn't say you needed it. If you call yourself Dovina you have to be either beautiful or a transvestite.
Re: a comment on Is Dying Ugly? by D. $ Fontera	19-Jan-06/2:10 PM
Other last words: "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do." ~~ Oscar Wilde, writer. "I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record..." ~~ Dylan Thomas, poet. "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." (Killed in battle during US Civil War.) ~~ General John Sedgwick "Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough." (To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity.) ~~ Karl Marx
Re: a comment on Spinning, reeling by ecargo	19-Jan-06/1:49 PM
I hear Osama wants a truce now.
Re: a comment on Racism 4 by Dovina	19-Jan-06/1:45 PM
Dovina on my weena -14.6%
Re: Pain, I Curse Thee by woodstock20000	19-Jan-06/1:41 PM
I haven't heard a more redundant cry of anguish since, "Damn, you all, to hell!" or one of my favorites, "KAAAAHN!".
Re: a comment on Racism 4 by Dovina	19-Jan-06/1:25 PM
"My God's got a bigger cock" - 20.1%
Re: a comment on Racism 4 by Dovina	19-Jan-06/1:19 PM
Dreamescape
Re: A comedian at nearly midnight by MacFrantic	19-Jan-06/1:11 PM
"Laughter swells into our smiles" is a throw away line, so throw it away. "Fuck Shoes" would have been a great title.
Re: Is Dying Ugly? by D. $ Fontera	19-Jan-06/1:07 PM
"Dying is easy. Comedy is hard." --The last dying words of Sir Donald Wolfit after one of his young actors said to him: "Sir Donald, after a life so filled with success and fame, dying must be hard"
Re: Spinning, reeling by ecargo	19-Jan-06/12:57 PM
More of a punchline than a gut-punch ending. Pretty decent political rant though. Here's what I mean by gut-punch: "We got around to the subject of war again and I said that, contrary to his attitude, I did not think that the common people are very thankful for leaders who bring them war and destruction. "Why, of course, the people don't want war," Goering shrugged. "Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece. Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship." "There is one difference," I pointed out. "In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars." "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country." " -- From Gustave Gilbert's Nuremberg Diary interviewing Nazi war criminal Herman Goering from his cell during the Nuremberg trials.
Re: A flightless deer by Enkidu	19-Jan-06/12:36 PM
Maybe the deer wasn't flying because it wasn't Christmas yet. You might want to use an animal that hasn't been associated with flying.(hint: Don't use pigs either)
Re: The funeral and the table by Caducus	19-Jan-06/12:31 PM
Loose the multiple rhymes in stanza 2. It doesn't fit the mood of the poem at all. Did you mean "No(w) he looks down on you"? The rest is great.
Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus	19-Jan-06/12:23 PM
It doesn't make much sense but it's disturbing nonetheless. Needs some kind of continuity.
Re: a week off by hendrimike	19-Jan-06/12:12 PM
I bet the original version of this poem was even centered on the page.
Re: a comment on Racism 4 by Dovina	19-Jan-06/11:57 AM
Cool, I scored 72.5% likelyhood of having a bestseller.
Re: a comment on Racism 4 by Dovina	19-Jan-06/11:46 AM
"Dovina's face hold at least 3 pounds of foundation." See, it works.