on some deleted poem
12 Jun 2005, 8:14 AM
It's too long for just being a discription of a man. As fine as all the stanzas are some like the first could be removed. I think your idea may have been to cause sympathy for an unsympathetic character. You come very close to achieving that.
on on passing through some small town by Dental Panic
12 Jun 2005, 7:00 PM
The first line is very cliche and the last line is redundant. But the rest of it I found nice with a few very pleasant surprises.
on on passing through some small town by Dental Panic
12 Jun 2005, 7:06 PM
PS. That ain't my vote I dont believe in zeros.
on some deleted poem
28 Jun 2005, 2:30 PM
Sounds like Dr Seuss overdosed on prozac.
on JUST A FEW by rbooey
9 Jul 2005, 8:27 AM
I could give my opinion but the only opinion that matters about this poem is your MUM's. And if somewhere out there she say's it's GREAT then who the hell am I to argue.
on Almost Persuaded by Dovina
9 Jul 2005, 9:11 AM
If you make a vague poem people will get different meanings from it. I like that I can give this my own meaning. I like the switch from possitivity to negetivity at the end. But "ambling"? Although with alot of thought I see how you might be going for the Gen. Patton type image calmly surveying the battlefield. I think it just tends to come across as a fancy word for walking for most. Try some other words. The second verse just needs a little tweeking. It's pretty good Though.
on on passing through some small town by Dental Panic
21 Jul 2005, 7:22 AM
Much better.
on some deleted poem
17 Jul 2005, 6:34 AM
I'm interested to know why you prefered not to break your lines at the rhymes. Your poem has also been marred by the infamous double "the" in the last verse.
Nice work though.
Nice work though.
on some deleted poem
17 Jul 2005, 6:53 AM
"by the lake" sounds too rural and so it kinda throws off the city setting. Try something like "lakeside". City folk tend to be short on words. Save the last verse for some other poem. You'll find a better ending for this one sooner or later. The first two verses are great.
on some deleted poem
17 Jul 2005, 7:13 AM
Just "nape". "Of the neck" is redundant. Nape means the back of the neck. Very elaborate poem for having been written with one hand. Here's a -9- you randy rascal you.
on A Good Man Ruined by Dovina
21 Jul 2005, 5:22 PM
Maybe change engineer to architech. Also you say he works alone and he runs a team. You might want to say "then promoted and monied he runs a team" or maybe change the first line to something like "Alone at the top". Change "damn" in the last line and the Jimmy Buffet fans will leave you alone. Fix this poem but don't ever throw it out because if one imagines the "ace egineer" as possibly being god or the bible or even Adam then the poem takes on a whole new profound meaning.
on some deleted poem
24 Jul 2005, 9:58 AM
Death is not there until it happens. This poem is about dying presumably from a high fall. I believe there is a difference. Had you written about the noises the body makes while decomposing (Gases trumpeting out our orifices or maggots tap dancing on our bones )I might have said yes death does sing. But not everyone dies with a splat so you don't always get your song. I saw "sutured woodwind" as the jaw of a corpse sewn together expelling gas with a toot. The words sound good but the poem as a whole disappoints me.
on some deleted poem
24 Jul 2005, 10:17 AM
As previously stated "rotates a swirl" is redundant and in addition "Green gleaming blue flash" is just plain ridiculous. Put a comma in there or be annihilated by the paradox you have created in this Haiku.
on Decoys and Disguises behind large-areas of smoke screens by Beyond_Dreams
24 Jul 2005, 8:46 AM
"Sucky,sucky. Five dolla. Me so horny. Me love you long time." You gotta love Kubrick.
on Distraction by zodiac
1 Aug 2005, 4:27 AM
Your poems are puzzle boxes that don't belong in most parts of today's sociaty. Nowadays people want things served on a silver platter. You've got to trick folks into working their brains.
Ditch the third verse. This is a thinkers poem. There's no place for melodrama. The last line isn't much of a revelation and it could end many different ways and still be as thought prevoking. ie. "is to not be alone" or "will never be shown" or "is the journey your on". The answer of answers should be a big surprise even if it's not.
From what I can decipher. Your lover had crabs. So you "snapped" her neck and hid her corpse in a dumpster or something somewhere downtown.
I've alerted the authorities. the Feds should be knocking on your door any second now.
The first verse is pretty good but then you get all psycho. Seems to be a trend among young male poem posters. Though you may not be either young or male for all I know.
I've alerted the authorities. the Feds should be knocking on your door any second now.
The first verse is pretty good but then you get all psycho. Seems to be a trend among young male poem posters. Though you may not be either young or male for all I know.
on Life is not serious by daggatolar
2 Aug 2005, 12:14 AM
God spoke us into being so that some day we might return the favor.
on More drugs. by darby pyn
2 Aug 2005, 12:32 AM
Great flow. The last verse doesn't blend as well with the others. Your talking about your life in the first three verses and then you start complaining about smug people with no fashion sense and it takes away from how personal and exposing the poem is in regards to you. Make the last verse more about you and less about them. Otherwise a really good poem.