on From Womb To Wood by Caducus
29 Oct 2004, 12:35 PM
Great images. Good conclusion. The last stanza breaks up a little but the last 3 lines redeem it. 9
replying on Call upon the wrath of god on ye by Imago
29 Oct 2004, 12:16 PM
Normally I don't give away the meanings but in this case I made an exception. Hoping it would make the reader re-read the poem and thus think about it more. Many poems use the first line as a title. The Use of King James English is in reflection of the biblical reference. If one of your lines is in latin does the rest of it have to be? Line 3ofS2 Give me a suggestion. Maybe to seperate May and Be? I also see how you would prefer "bares" over "bare" in line 8. I will definately consider re-writing the last stanza. I kinda see where your coming from but till the muse finds me I'll have to live with what I've got. Thank you for your insight. I hope you don't take my response as hostile.
I value your opinion and look forward to more critiques from you.
I value your opinion and look forward to more critiques from you.
Seems the poem is a metaphor for something lost.
If so here's my solution.
Do not the burning embers dwindle
In the light of thier own lives
(Yet)the oldest flames may still rekindle
This is how love survives
Let tragedy bind a family.
I give you an 8 'cause I don't get the "bone for rain" thing.
If so here's my solution.
Do not the burning embers dwindle
In the light of thier own lives
(Yet)the oldest flames may still rekindle
This is how love survives
Let tragedy bind a family.
I give you an 8 'cause I don't get the "bone for rain" thing.
Very vivid images. Well written but could use a stanza dedicated to the beauty of what the place was, for the sake of contrast. Right now it's more depressing than tragic. This poem should be bigger. I feel there's a great story in there. Right now it's a great photograph
but I want the movie. 8 for now
but I want the movie. 8 for now
on Call upon the wrath of god on ye by Imago
28 Oct 2004, 9:30 PM
It's about child abuse.
Sorry tree huggers.
Sorry tree huggers.
on Ahkataka Akarnakuray by Imago
28 Oct 2004, 8:46 PM
"art thou" "are you" I see what you mean. But I think it might throw off the beat a little. Let me spin it around in my head for a while and then I'll get back to you on it.
on Ahkataka Akarnakuray by Imago
28 Oct 2004, 8:21 PM
I didn't know there was a difference between the two.
I just liked the harder sound of "pray thee" and the omenous double meaning of the word Pray. To put the lines in quotations is a better idea. Forgive me for my bad punctuation. This is the type of criticism I like. This is something I can use.
I just liked the harder sound of "pray thee" and the omenous double meaning of the word Pray. To put the lines in quotations is a better idea. Forgive me for my bad punctuation. This is the type of criticism I like. This is something I can use.
on Ahkataka Akarnakuray by Imago
28 Oct 2004, 8:08 PM
This one seems to get alot of hits but no comments. Strange?
on A Girlâs Climax by Dovina
26 Oct 2004, 3:20 PM
6 words: He's just not that into you.
sorry I was looking for a place to drop that new catch phrase. I think your poetry's excellent.
sorry I was looking for a place to drop that new catch phrase. I think your poetry's excellent.
replying on Withering Rose by Imago
26 Oct 2004, 10:51 AM
You make some great points Ed. It was inspired by some women I knew and I needed to make it metaphoric so as not to insult them. How many women and even men do we see fighting so desperately to maintain their beauty in vain.
It is one of my more sappier pieces. You guys give great critiques that an artist can truely learn from.
It is one of my more sappier pieces. You guys give great critiques that an artist can truely learn from.
on Vesper Song by M Hamill
26 Oct 2004, 12:38 AM
sorry I meant Mark Hamill. I need sleep.
replying on Withering Rose by Imago
25 Oct 2004, 9:01 PM
Oh OK. I'm open to more suggestions. Plus I would like to see some of your more conventional poetry posted. I know you have some mad ass rhymes in you. I'll look for them.
on A Man Who Cares by Dovina
25 Oct 2004, 8:23 PM
An Ode to plumbers everywhere. Nice little ditty.
on Vesper Song by M Hamill
25 Oct 2004, 8:18 PM
Your first name's not Scott is it? "May the verse be with you."
on Vesper Song by M Hamill
25 Oct 2004, 8:14 PM
If your Intent was to turn words into music. Bravo. The repetitive "ings" and "ands" and "E's" create a chiming bell effect. A little daunting to read but if in the right mood one can enjoy this. (See E A Poe's The Bells)
on Jesus in a leisure suit by Imago
25 Oct 2004, 7:42 PM
No actually It's all a true story. Except maybe it wasn't Jesus I saw... mmmnahh It was definately Christ.
on Withering Rose by Imago
25 Oct 2004, 7:31 PM
You make my head hurt. Home that beauty made means simply a place where beauty appears like on the face of a baby or in a flower garden.The last line of stanza 2 is a lead in to the first line of stanza 3.
I somewhat agree with you on stanza 4 but the trick is to show the argument between what fondly was and what bitterly is. I'm not arguing with you though. Just thought I'd explain myself. Your critique is very useful. Thank you
I somewhat agree with you on stanza 4 but the trick is to show the argument between what fondly was and what bitterly is. I'm not arguing with you though. Just thought I'd explain myself. Your critique is very useful. Thank you
on Jesus in a leisure suit by Imago
25 Oct 2004, 7:13 PM
Or maybe he was auditioning for the Sopranos.