Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	6-Apr-06/12:08 PM
Some people argue that if you crossbreed nature poetry with political poetry, you spawn and breed a mutant - environmental poetry. But most of this rings true, and avoids the preachiness of most environmental attempts.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	6-Apr-06/11:54 AM
You have embellished the modern poem "Blueprint" with a tale of yore, which its author may find appalling. But you keep just enough “photographs” and modern language to cause wonder as to whether you jest, mimic or jab. Good poem.
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	6-Apr-06/11:40 AM
Some great phrases and vivid images. But I'd rather see it tied together with transition and clearer flow of the story. It's not a story, but you show sequence, loosely connected.
Re: a comment on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	6-Apr-06/11:26 AM
Thanks, I’m still thinking I don’t need or want the Psalm 23 reference in the title.
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/11:09 AM
Thanks for the suggestion on “squelched.” I’ve changed it to “quenched in the edit, along with some other changes. “broken bottles,” however, are mixed in with ground-up rock that litters the seas floor.
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/11:09 AM
You are right about the location of Fort Bragg.
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/11:08 AM
Thanks C. I’ve changed it some and have kept Stanza 6, but with changes.
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/11:07 AM
Thanks for the good critique. “Versus” is right in Stanza 1 of angry verses – blush. In Stanza 2, “how it was” refers to the old solid cliff, standing obstinately against young belligerent motion of the sea. But I see your point, and have changed it in the edit. I think the new wording also shows that the rock was winning. In Stanza 4, I’ve changed, “Now memory moved, met solid desire / the ocean going at it still.” to “Now memory moved, met solid desire / armies under different flags.” I think that improves the precision of the changing image as the narrator ages. In Stanza 6, “greed” refers back to “solid desire,” which is a mild form of greed perhaps. The idea is that memory was winning over the strong desires of younger times. I have changed “greed” to “need,” to make it less jarring. Also, I’ve changed “little bits” to painful bits” – stronger, I think.
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	5-Apr-06/11:41 AM
The first verse sets up a rhyme scheme, which I expected to see in the other verses, and missed in Verse 2. The last line changes from third to first person, repeating the previous line, making the poem personal, and losing the structure. I think it's best to stick with a structure, once started. A poem with nostalgic recall of earlier times can be very effective, but it's also a very common thing to do. I think it needs metaphor or unusual wording or specific events to set it off as being different.
Re: a comment on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	5-Apr-06/11:28 AM
It doesn’t have the voice of Psalm 23, where David, a shepherd, speaks as a sheep. It’s told by an amateur who looks on. I might remove the Psalm reference from the title. Maybe the woman rubs it in too much; maybe you’re right.
Re: a comment on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	4-Apr-06/2:57 PM
A California escapee seeking refuge in the hills of Tennessee.
Re: a comment on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	3-Apr-06/5:12 PM
But doesn’t the homely “within” hark back simpler times. And doesn’t the final “almost” remind of having witnessed a tender scene and wishing it were yours to the extent that it almost is? And “’corn, a few’ Baaad girl”? – I am so naïve as be completely uninformed as to what you mean.
Re: a comment on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	3-Apr-06/4:19 PM
Yeah, Yoda-talking is getting passé in this age of the NOW. No decent poet would stoop thereto. “Name one poet who reverted to writing in a style from a previous era.” Well, Yoda, for one – he reverts to Wordsworth: “Away she goes, up hill and down, and to the wood, at length is come.” Suck, my rhymes may. In antiquity, my style lay. But under the sun, nothing new has come.
Re: a comment on A Country Anecdote by Dovina	3-Apr-06/12:04 PM
"Again, I see him wake with me." Thanks, I think that's better.
Re: a comment on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	3-Apr-06/11:18 AM
It's not necessary to read Psalm 23 first. This is a scene I saw wihle riding a bicycle along a country road, and it brought to mind the Psalm. But you may interpret it entirely without that reference.
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	3-Apr-06/10:56 AM
On first reading, I thought of a storm having some portent in lightning - cagy like a cat. Then I read your explanation, and the poem again. Frankly, I don't see the club scene even now. I think you've leaned too far on the side of poetry at the expense of leaving your readers without the sensation you want them to have.
Re: a comment on A Country Anecdote by Dovina	3-Apr-06/10:41 AM
I wrestled with the tenses, and decided to use present tense in the first and last verses, and past tense in all the others. The real story is past tense. But the reality of it is so close in present thinking that I almost still “have a man who wakes with me.” I understand how that is confusing. His “lumpy arm” was muscular from hard work. I never thought of it as ungraceful, but I see how you could read it as such. Thanks for your comments. They give me another perspective on a story that can easily become ingrown and uncommunicative if held inside.
Re: Fiery Hands by Sunny	1-Apr-06/3:55 PM
I see you trying to incorporate the comments on the former version, but to ill effect. I hate when people do to me whast I wioll do to you: The woman does not move; her clock has amnesia, and her hands are scarred. The peeping bird has ceased its back-‘forth routine, and the mother, in her complacent gown under the arch of the bathroom door, is consumed by a force greater than herself. It makes her baby’s oval lips silent, before it’s attempted cry. The toddler’s pruned fingers twisted the cold water off, allowed hot water to spill; and now the boiling water tightens on the skin that lies prey-pink raw. He is a statue that burns, he sees out of blue eyes. tortured stare nembraces her. Frozen fingers are in limbo in this eternal pause, cementing her feet. Baby’s mouth is opened without the screech; time quit in the seconds that lived before a wail and attempt. Not perfect. Play with it.
Re: a comment on Old Friend by drnick	1-Apr-06/1:18 PM
Yes, Verse 4. Sorry.
Re: a comment on A Country Anecdote by Dovina	1-Apr-06/1:14 PM
You have a vivid imagination and a correct assessment. (ass essment) without even seeing it. And it was not you whom I was asking for more comments on my poem, since you've already commented. I'm happy for the nice votes, but was fishing for more participation.