Re: Ann & Dan & I by Goad	6-Feb-05/9:14 PM
Terrible, but funny.
Re: Lust, and the Sad Soul by woodstock20000	7-Feb-05/1:31 PM
Verse 2 is good because it first presumes an imortal soul, then with the word "would" casts doubt. Verse 3 is weak, for the cliche "to and fro," and for its bland wording.
Re: Sins of your father by poodietat	7-Feb-05/1:45 PM
Almost too direct and pointed to be called a poem. Still, you got the point accross loudly. Not bad.
Re: Confusion by jroday	8-Feb-05/7:16 AM
Verse 4 is the way a lot of conversations go. Good description. There's no point in even talking when it goes like that. "Erects a sculpture from the brains of the lazy" is good too,
Re: Winged Victory by REWellman	8-Feb-05/7:21 AM
From some story about an angel on a rock that I don't know. How we try to keep our stories in stone.
Re: The Tree by Joe-joe	8-Feb-05/2:21 PM
This is your best by far! What's got into you?
Re: Family Portrait by woodstock20000	8-Feb-05/2:25 PM
Very clear and direct. A good picture. I would scratch the last two lines to give the reader more to ponder, less to be told.
Re: Wedding Poem by al-naafiysh	9-Feb-05/2:01 PM
Why do you say, "My goal is . . ." in verse 4, giving a way out, when you don't in the others? "perfect union" is impossible and weakens the aparently possible committments. "them" in the last verse is a bit nebulous, and I wonder why you even include this verse.
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Feb-05/2:07 PM
If you proofread this, which aparently you didn't, you'll find all sorts of spelling, punctuation, and grammar mistakes. But the biggest mistake is the ending, which some young depressed fool might read and take just enough encouragement from to do it.
Re: Epitaph of Innocence by woodstock20000	9-Feb-05/2:11 PM
Nonsense! The world is not lost as you say. 0 for content, 5 for poetic form.
Re: The Sleep Fantastic by nentwined	10-Feb-05/7:56 AM
You're being imbic with a myth-like tale. But in a few places you sacrifice clarity for it. In Line 6, I thought "was" is distracting. And if being imbic is important, then why the lapse in Veres 3. Line 3? Like it.
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Feb-05/8:01 AM
You've got a good flow going until the last verse. I like what it says, but rhythm seems to falter in the last two lines, and the rhyme is not exact.
Re: Beating heart by celticskatermatt1	10-Feb-05/8:04 AM
Good up through line 3, except for spelling. After that it gets trite.
Re: A Metahaiku by dbond	10-Feb-05/8:06 AM
What's kigo?
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Feb-05/8:07 AM
Why did you post this twice under different titles?
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Feb-05/1:12 PM
Your Middle-aged Penis (Sagging verse) by Dovina Limp like a worm, Which has been blown, By a gap toothed, Old crone. Your penis is soft, Having recently shed, Its last sperm, sickly sour, Over my pristine bed. Your penis casts about, In the throws of male menopause, Looking as redundant, As your saggy gut. A bulging, empty sack, Now hangs below, Disgusting strangers eyes, Every avenue seems shut But Despair no longer sir, Of a middle aged disposition, Be-seat your waddling thighs, And consider my proposition. I will gladly rent, The space between your legs, There's surely ample room, Now you've shed all your sperm! A penis can command, If you'll listen to my advice, A startlingly expensive, Nay, exorbitant, market price. With a little advertising, I can guarantee, You’ll soon see your penis, As your biggest possibility As escort to where the action is.
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Feb-05/1:19 PM
There's a lot of truth in "the idea of not knowing everything could scare people into believing anything." That last line - don't like it.
Re: An intolerable rash brother by Crakyamuni	11-Feb-05/11:50 AM
Do you mean "Cortizone" the drug, which I might have misspelled? weeped should be "wept" in this context I think. The soul of satin, a female, who brought home the bacon causes wonderment on whether this is about Jesus, God, or your real brother. "We'll teach you to swallow" is good.
Re: CUPID by al-naafiysh	11-Feb-05/3:12 PM
Aint nothin' so good as luve! A few too many words, I think. Here's what I'd do: Line 5 - scratch "One that has" Line 6 - scratch "being on" Line 8 - scatch "within" and change "cause" to "'cause"
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Feb-05/3:19 PM
Good line: "Their well-thought-out plan Of giving birth to a slave." But I think "mere presence of time" does injustice to the process of coming to this realization. Prose Poem perhaps, not Pimple.