Re: Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer	16-Jan-04/5:18 AM
Is this a satirical rendering of what a self-obsessed poet would say about himself? I hope so. Otherwise, this is pompous and self-regarding and you should think about somebody else for a while.
Re: War zone by INTRANSIT	16-Jan-04/5:22 AM
Very very funny - a cunning tale! I don't know if Strunk & White's grammar is different from Fowler's, but "someones'" should be "someone's" and "murderers" should be "murderer's". But hey! Who cares? This made me laugh, and that's a great thing in a dismal world.
Re: Key to my heart by nicole081083	16-Jan-04/5:24 AM
I'm being picky, but there's a bit of a mixed metaphor here - the fence and the door. Do fences have doors? Wouldn't a gate be better? You'd need a new rhyme - you could say 'I didn't want to be hurt again' and gor a for a para-rhyme. But anyway... So much for my wisdom.
Re: (Come find me) by zodiac	16-Jan-04/5:40 AM
This sounds like me waking up in the morning. I like it. Earthy, mysterious, a bit threatening and sinister. Amend spelling of 'grotesque' and it'll be there.
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Jan-04/5:44 AM
See Hallmark cards
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Jan-04/5:46 AM
I like the rhyme scheme, it's actually quite cleveer and well worked out. But this self-pity thing is getting out of hand.
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Jan-04/6:51 AM
Shouldn't stanza 3 be a continuation of the sentence begun in 1 and 2? But I like this, it's clever and sinister.
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Jan-04/9:20 AM
Are you serious? 'Spill your dew'... Why be euphemistic? Why? And how inelegant is 'Romance is not what it is I need'? Is that even English? Eh? And I bet this goes straight to No. 1. Who votes for this stuff? ? ??? ? ?
Re: His Master's Jodhpurs by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	22-Jan-04/9:25 AM
Lovely. Like a ballad of yore. How gratifying to see the lower classes being kept in their rightful place, and in such spiffing rhyme too. Only in merrie Englande. What-ho.
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Jan-04/6:25 AM
Are you a friend of Lydia Evelyn?
Re: Games by fevriere	23-Jan-04/9:15 AM
What are the first four lines about? They give me a headache.
Re: Make Love to Me by drumrgirl30	26-Jan-04/5:50 AM
No no no. Wasn't this copied off the back of a Shania Twain album?
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-04/5:52 AM
It would be really good to learn how to spell and punctuate properly
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-04/5:43 AM
Why is this so long? And you have a seemingly bottomless well of self-pity. Please please please think about something other than yourself. 'Knowing that my end is near'? For God's sake, some lad's been messing you about. Get over it and go out and meet other people and learn about them and get yourself in perspective. You never know, you might enjoy it. You might even write something different. Go on, promise me you will. Rant over.
Re: Pathetic lill' me.. by clumseYdaiseY	30-Jan-04/5:44 AM
Is this a satire? It's very badly spelt, whatever it is.
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-04/5:54 AM
Tense = past, present or future. Let us look at this in reference to stanza 2. 'After being taken to his bed,/Many tears she shall shed' This is in the future tense - it will happen in the future (it's also a subjunctive, but we won't worry about that now). This means that any further description of this action should be in the same tense so that the 'time' in which the action occurs is coherent Can you perform the same act in the past, the present and the future at the same time? Unless you are a quantum mechanic, I suspect not. Therefore, when we reach the line 'Their passion boiled and flies', all hell breaks loose. Here we have two verbs, one in the past tense and one in the present. They don't agree with the other, and they certainly don't agree with the first clause, which was in the future. 'Flies' does agree with the tense - present - of the last line, but it's too late. All sense has been lost; anyway, the only reason you used 'dies' in the last line instead of 'died' or 'will die' is because it rhymes. There you go, a brief intro to tenses. Ask your teacher if you have any more problems.
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-04/5:56 AM
But you have made a reference to The Smiths. I salute you.
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-04/6:00 AM
How pointless is this? You spend the whole poem telling us how important 'this day', how it has made you see your life anew etc etc and the you end on the hope that you'll forget it. Well, you've wasted your time there, haven't you? You've memorialised in print, on the Internet, something you'd rather forget. What's more, you've done it in a way that lacks humour, style, imagination, rhythmic invention or originality. Why bother?
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-04/6:05 AM
I can see the Tennyson link in the rhymes - I like them, I think they work very cleverly (and it's not often you see the word 'simoom' - nice!) I think the whole Tennyson thing gets a bit out of hand especially towards the end; it's heard to right with that tone in the 21st century and not sound a trifle archaic. But this is a really intersting experiment.
Re: To Avalon by annabellee	30-Jan-04/6:09 AM
Very atmospheric and a really nice use of metre. And the cross-rhyme of 'mars' (should be capitalised) and 'stars' is beautiful. This exotic stuff and I agree that it sounds as if it's leading to something else. Is it?