sacred_poet_me
replying on Books by sacred_poet_me
13 Jun 2005, 8:37 PM
Interesting simile...
Like describing a blow job on Uranus.
...Of course, naturally, nor the legs.
So true. But the phrasing could have done with a little more imagination.
By the way; Europe congratulates Michael Jackson on his victory. Of course he and McCaulkin feeled each other up, but that can't be the reason the latter one rode the coke wagon.
I only meant to drop the first line.
some deleted user
replying on on passing through some small town by Dental Panic
13 Jun 2005, 4:44 PM
Dovina has a point. Amazing how dropping the first stanza fortifies the other three.
Associative writing. A keyword (f.i. 'emotion'), and from there on write everything down that pops into your mind. It can lead to interesting finds. I mean, who would think of using 'Moo-moo' in a poem and a reader's advice to pause for a demented laugh?
Like Dr. Seuss. The ending is weak.
I think you could say this better with the restraints of haiku.
Drop the first line.
Second verse is good.
The reprises wear out after stanz 5 but a good and original form just the same.
I'm trying to think of someone I might send this to, and coming up blank.
The last verse is better now, but look at the grammar and spelling.
desecration abound (number disagreement)
There are more bodies (There are - not needed)
snapping THIER necks.
A comma after "ordinary" will hopefully ameliorate your first legitimate complaint. A comma after "right" may help with your second, but I doubt it. As a sentence, it might read: "I could not imagine one so bored with looking right, she employs devices
to be different."
you naked/ me vacum cleaner. priceless.
entertaining as usual. 8
LOL!
I haven't got the words.