darby pyn
replying on A Hallmark Card for You (With Love) by Bluemonkey
13 Jun 2005, 12:17 PM
it's funny because it's true..
I confess.
The last quatrain is very good, as is the final line. The first quatrain's a bit confusing, It feels like an inside joke. I wish it was more accessible to me. Nice images.
I once read a card that carried the message:
Everyone thinks you're an asshole.
I think there was a picture of a hissing kitty on the front. It was a long time ago.
Write this from the point of view of a Rwandan refugee and you've got something.
Not very goth...try rewriting it with different words..and a different theme...and change the title...that would make it better in my opinion.
Are you SURE it's all true? Were you there?
Amazing that a poem titled 'I want you' generates 13 hits within six hour. I clearly gave mine the wrong title and failed miserably on 'recognisability' as well..
Written down a bit too impulsively, but what you wrote down is most effective. I like this one a lot.
I know. Bird droppings. One finger opinions. Poemranker folkore.
Misery is a woman. Ha! nice.
While you may be feeling this very strongly, there is little in it that a reader can enjoy, as far as poetry is concerned.
The first stanza, as a single sentence is grammatically incorrect (incomplete), and because of the 'where were the colour ordinary' bit, doesn't actually make any sense if try to actually understand what it means. From there it is pretty good, but the last three lines are also a bit ugly, they read like some non-native speakers use the language when they have learned all the words but not actually how they are normally used.
Quite nice images, but as has been said the first line isnt great and the last two words could be dropped, also wht change tense in the last stanza, it would work as well if not better if you stuck to the present I believe.
A good subject for a poem, but as has been pointed out it is rather spoiled by poor construction and dodgy data. Furthermore I would suggest replacing 'thier' with 'their' in the fourth last line.
PS. That ain't my vote I dont believe in zeros.
The first line is very cliche and the last line is redundant. But the rest of it I found nice with a few very pleasant surprises.
If it did not effect you eleven years ago you're probably a sadistic fuck who tortures little animals for pleasure. No poem could possibly capture the true horror and sadness of what happened there. This poem is just an echo to remind you that such terrible things did take place. It doesn't hit YOU hard. Try not to be so arrogant as to speak for everyone. It's just your opinion. It's vagueness allows you to incorperate your own experiences instead of insisting you feel sorry for one family. It asks you to put yourself in this place and see it how you may. Of course it's moralistic would you prefer I take the side of the Hutu or the many governments that insisted it wasn't happening. Or just pretend I'm not pissed at both. In the end this poem is written by me for me as all poems are. If you can't see it, hear it and feel it the way I do that only means that your not like me. Those places you listed at the bottom can all be pasted over the name Tutsi in the poem if you want to see that it's all part of a much bigger picture.
Good suggestions. Thanks.
Nicholas Jones
replying on Around 4am at this time of the year by Nicholas Jones
12 Jun 2005, 1:30 PM
Have you never woken up at four o'clock in the morning and been unable to get back to sleep and so suffered from a horribly intense irrational fear and sense of complete and total sadness, melancholy and ennui? Perhaps this only happens to me.