Re: -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	Dental Panic 84.31.86.195	12-Jun-05/11:14 AM
I think this is a very bad poem. It doesn’t hit hard, it hits the spot where the blow’s already been taken. And if it did not affect you, eleven years ago, this poem certainly will not change that. And how is it ‘emotionally involved’? It deals with the Rwanda genocide in a kind of moralistic tone of voice, the ‘we all are guilty’thing, and then, in the commentaries, it’s about sleep and dead and heap, blahblahblah, very abstract, technical, not personal at all – it should have known at least ONE name of a Tutsi family for it to become more then what it is now: simply a flat piece of socalled ‘involved’ poetry. So what’s your next piece about? Bosnia? Darfur? The famine in North Korea? The Cultural Revolution? Iraq, maybe? Kyoto?
Re: Acrylic French Nails by Dovina	ALChemy 65.188.92.49	12-Jun-05/7:30 AM
I stumbled over the last three lines a little in verse 1 on my first reading. Maybe "It would be trimmed in" would be easier but it won't kill me if you keep it the way it is. Try omitting the word style in verse 1 and see if it gives it a better flow. I really like the original idea of using the woman's nails to symbolize a unique lifestyle even if I was kinda hoping for a catfight at the end.
Re: a comment on Why? by windyone	windyone 63.245.189.144	12-Jun-05/6:58 AM
Thanks for your input,however don't assume Why was written for the rankers here.As for going to your poem list and zeroing it? Ah, the sweet sound of paranoia! Re: 4) At least get it right,it was strife, not life.:-)This poem was written to a paranoid, loves to inflict pain on others s.o.b. because they are a miserable person. A good friend, quite young, who writes poetry and was hovering on the suicidal border, was being reamed by this piece of shit about her poetry at work, and so I immediately wrote it, handed it to the creep and made my friend smile, so shoot me! Re: Puncuation, yes, I admit it, I suck at it! Who could feel better being hopeless? Hope my puncuation was better on this so you'll like me, you'll really, really like me. Oh shit. Someone already used that line. Thanks for the offer to join the Dark Side, but an invite wasn't necessary.
Re: I Wrote A Poem by Blue Magpie	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	12-Jun-05/5:02 AM
I would have like to see it end with a stronger twist...fun to read. Although I dislike the title, I almost skipped this one.
Re: Flamingo's Stare by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	12-Jun-05/4:59 AM
This has a solid, logical structure. Nothing's happening...and there's no need for. Plenty of low crackling electricity. Dare I call this a good poem? I do
Re: Perfect place by gothiclovepoetiss	Dental Panic 84.31.86.195	12-Jun-05/4:16 AM
Strangest limerick I've ever read. Pretty dull poem, though.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	zodiac 212.38.134.51	12-Jun-05/1:45 AM
Oh, okay.
Re: Around 4am at this time of the year by Nicholas Jones	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.31	11-Jun-05/11:58 PM
I must admit that I too did not understand what there was to fear here and that the rest elicited very little from me that is worth expressing.
Re: Perfect place by gothiclovepoetiss	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.31	11-Jun-05/11:55 PM
Basically this is one big cliche, some regular rhythm would have helped a little. I think in the first line you meant to say, 'is' such a lovely place.
Re: a comment on Labor. by darby pyn	darby pyn 207.200.116.197	11-Jun-05/6:50 PM
Thank you. I wrote this without pause. when reading it back “ Labor” seemed the proper title. it was not conceived with any obvious topic but the pain and resolution of pregnancy seemed to manifest at the conclusion as the interpretation of this Dr Suess nightmare.
Re: Labor. by darby pyn	fevriere 62.254.128.7	11-Jun-05/10:31 AM
I am sorry to be such a blatant hanger-on but doubleU's right. I was waiting for you to pick your head up and give a wry verbal retort. I'll bet you can do it and in my opinion it would give this poem the arsekick it deserves. No vote 'til it gets better.
Re: a comment on Muggy by fevriere	fevriere 62.254.128.7	11-Jun-05/10:19 AM
Shit, I hate it when my iced coffee gets spiked, don't you?
Re: a comment on Around 4am at this time of the year by Nicholas Jones	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	11-Jun-05/9:31 AM
Let me rephrase it. No matter how high & mighty mr. Man may feel himself, the daybreak is a cosmic phenomenon and so a mightier one. The way you describe it (mainly in lines 7 & 8, to be fair), it's a rather mechanical happening and it seems to leave you quite cold. But the daybreak is supposed to infuse fear. See what I mean? It doesn't matter if the hangover has a physical or an alcoholic quality; it doesn't convince.
Re: a comment on Around 4am at this time of the year by Nicholas Jones	Nicholas Jones 81.159.157.114	11-Jun-05/9:20 AM
But there isn't supposed to be a sense of wonder. It's the sun coming on on my garden, not very exciting. It's about the terror of not being able to sleep and seeing it get light (which it does very early in Britain in June). But that watching the light distracts me from the whole being unable to sleep thing. Hm. Perhaps the fact I need to explain all this shows the poem doesn't. First draft anyway, needs a re-write.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	ALChemy 65.188.92.49	11-Jun-05/6:15 AM
Heaps does mean both and is meant to mean both. They were both in piles and scattered around and they were just left there were ever they may have died. most of the heaps were in buildings were they scrambled for safety while being shot. Although they may have been put into piles much later. This poem is transporting you back in time closer to the actual event. not talking in hindsight. I will repeat DURING the killings the people reporting the death toll couldn't keep up. The title reads like a headline to help put you closer to the moment. It's as if you were taking a tour of Rwanda just days after. I did if you remember concede to the "fire brigade" line and even plan on changing it although I don't know if it's entirely untrue. It was something I forgot to change earlier on and I am humbled and embarrassed by it. Thanks for bringing it up again. And as far as Literal Truth. Aside from maybe the "Fire Brigade" everything else is true if it's interpreted correctly but I understand that not everybody reads the same poem the same way. That's just a risk I choose to take. I hope your not reading this the wrong way because your input has helped me tremendously with this poem and I hope that help extends to further postings that I may put up. Thank you my fellow American.
Re: Around 4am at this time of the year by Nicholas Jones	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	11-Jun-05/5:20 AM
>>oddly<< Badly chosen. For some reasons I don't feel the fear of the moment. Because the moment lacks a sense of wonder, perhaps.
Re: Labor. by darby pyn	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	11-Jun-05/5:15 AM
Another poem (written like a kitchenblender's manual) with shades of sadism, or rather auto-mutilatism. Why do people in luv feel the need to ram their heads through stone walls or want to fall on top of an upturned billiard cue or want to smother a kiss with a fist? This is about lovepain, yes, but I read too many lovepoems that lack sensitivity. The problem here is probably it's bloody seriousness.
Re: Perfect place by gothiclovepoetiss	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	11-Jun-05/4:53 AM
>>Oh and when you kiss my lips, my heart skips beats and does flips.<< 'Oh' as in 'oh, by the way'? Delete 'and' The second line reads bad. Delete 'does'. The horrible thing is that this physical phenomenon is exactly what occurs, when you're in luvv. Except when you're over 21, you'll think you're heading for a coronary. The more horrible thing is that this has been written a zillion times over, mostly by lovesick 14 year old girls...I don't blame you your age and state of luvv but it's so boring, this way. >>As long as my arms are RAPPED around you, I’ll never be sad or blue.<< Your poor sweetheart must be; black&blue...
Re: a comment on Muggy by fevriere	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	11-Jun-05/3:23 AM
Well, iced coffee can be spiked, and to quite fatal quantities...
Re: a comment on Muggy by fevriere	fevriere 62.254.128.7	11-Jun-05/1:37 AM
Wise move.