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replying on Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac
20 Oct 2005, 1:50 PM
suggestion:
I want to tell you I fear
falling into religion--just for a scaffold
of proper nouns, greetings, expansive gestures;
to be as-one with these waiting women--pause,
glance knowingly at a departure lounge
ceiling loudspeaker, and hear.
does that mean what you're looking for?
I want lines 5 and 8 - lathe wonderful use of it too.
This is a beautiful poem; I love it more each subsequent read.
However, I don't really think this is a 'ghazal' by definition, at least by the links on this site. The opening couplet doesn't rhyme (or does it?), and the last lines of each couplet definitely don't rhyme.
Again, a good poem, minus the line that tries to fit in everywhere and never quite succeeds. That line is Jesus, we're mere mortals.
I like everything except the word "criminal". I'm foggy on the details, but isn't self-mutilation/suicide actually illegal? So it really IS criminal, not just metaphorically so. If it's not illegal, it still doesn't seem like the best word. I mean, hari-kari (or hari-kari-type mutilation) isn't the first thing that strikes me when I think of the word "criminal". I'd like to see it keep with the street performance theme with a more mutilation-specific or street-performance-specific word. Catburglar fits with "stealing self" but doesn't fit with suicide. Escape artist, maybe? What about those Indian performers? They do stuff like this.
Don't let my rambling detract from the fact that I loved reading this. -10-
Ah, ye gods, ye haven't changed. Wonderful.
Where have you been, anyway? Methinks I've rather missed you, Tilde.
Hmm. Not my style, but that doesn't mean I can't notice its quality -- a fact a lot of people forget.
Then again, what else would one expect of you, dear Tilde?
'Despite November in my heart/and December at my breast'-- nice. I admit I was going to simply congratulate ou on using November as opposed to another month, but the addition of December actually works.
Marriage is masculine? Gasp! (wait, well, I suppose it is in French...)
Now, does this apply to homosexual marriages? Where the idea is that managing to get married is writing a wrong rather than performing one?
There's something about 'the sun the other as/rooster crowing' that doesn't quite work. I couldn't pinpoint the proble, but it's there. A comma after 'sun' would simplify it, but perhaps too much.
ShamAn. Please. Hmm. Aside from that, 'tis all right.
Tee hee.
The first line is good. The rest... bwuh.
Hmm. I actually rather like this. The bit about hte grandfather seems almost irrelevant, it would be fine without (arguably). Not all of the punctuation is necessary.
'Shaolin ninja on pole'... You've gone and impaled yourself, haven't you?
I was going to rant about the angel, except you kept it as a leitmotiv. That's something.
november is cold, but decmber is colder still, is what i was going for. there are also the holidays to consider, although that analogy is very abstruse.
and yes, i am lathing into firewood. i wonder if my love is wasted on him.
thank you for the compliment.