zodiac
on The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>
19 Oct 2005, 10:32 AM
I love "turn wooden on the lathe of fact", the best image on poemranker in months and the lynchpin, I think, of this poem.
In the original you turned wooden, right? I think that would be better. The rest loses me. I don't know what distinction you're making between November and December (or heart and breast), and can't feel the metaphor of ghosts (which are essentially metaphors, no?) And are you lathing things into firewood? How odd.
At that point it rhymed. Maybe.
You're right, I'm only talking about actual tongues dancing around inside of mouths. Feel free to use it, but there's the possibility I'm using it from someone else, I'm not sure. If I am, it's Don Delillo in The Names.
The last part is supposed to be another reason for falling into religion. It's not worded right and I don't know yet how to fix it. Suggestions?
My cents: I think there are three characters here, (1) INTRANSIT, (2) his love, and (3) children or other products of love, such as puppies or a fixer-upper bungalow.
If it were me, I'd lay aside the legal, the dogma, the financial hopes, and the idea of marriage as anything more than romantic notions plus nifty benefits like tax breaks. I would forgive, but I wouldn't overlook wrong. I'd realize there's a point where my marriage couldn't survive if I didn't occasionally raise my desires over hers. I wouldn't call anyone else's marriage fleeting and doomed, for fear of being immediately stricken with a bright bolt of ironic comeuppance.
Oh, right. It IS me. And all that aside, I'll stick with my original proposal: The only necessity for a nonfleeting nondoomed marriage is that both parties understand and agree to their respective roles. Agree to be servant and self-negator, I'm sure you'll find plenty of guys who'll agree to be masters and self-centered.
we shall see.
he's been known to wax philosophical on occasion.
I hardly think INTRANSIT is that much into wholistic philosophy here, but let's see how he answers.
the chips, when split off from the whole, become new entites, as i read it. they're holographic; each piece contains the whole, a new whole, when separated from the mass consciousness.
And if the butcher block is an awakened thing, how can its chips awaken as if something twice awakened?
Why the funky "late-" and "ly" on different lines? Maybe to stress your need for new vocabulary.
Tongue-dance would be a good metaphor, but since you didn't use it, that gives me the right to steal it.
Religion will give you a a scaffold of proper nouns, greetings, and expansive gestures, but then the sentence fumbles, as if the word-dance becomes a twisted twist.
the language here is quite intriguing, rich, and i agree with dovina that it took a while to work out that the sun was a different entity than the rooster, although that should be obvious.
my question to you here is, do we only awaken once, or do we only awaken once as one of these things you mention?
I love this:
I want to tell you I fear
falling into religion
and
the scaffold
of proper nouns, greetings, and expansive gestures -
but the sentence seems convoluted to me, and i am not sure of your meaning. not that i need to be sure, it's jsut that i want a clearer reason for these bold statement to link in with that lasting, last image.
I don't totally get this yet, but the language and images are amazing. Happy loving.
Here and in a lot of places cheap, softwood butcher blocks chip. I think higher quality ones get thousands of extremely shallow cuts across the top and need to be sanded or planed to a new smooth surface.