Re: Air Guitar by Miggy	Dovina 209.247.222.86	18-Oct-05/3:10 PM
"through the night" I disagree with "one day we will get this world right."
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	zodiac 217.144.7.195	18-Oct-05/12:52 PM
To elaborate, you seem to be coming at things from a kind of Wordsworth-&-Coleridge Romantic position. That is, you have an image you want to show people, and the rest of the poem (to the extent there is one) is kind of a shabby prop or excuse for that. Cf, all the poems in Lyrical Ballads - "We Are Seven" is the first that comes to mind. I'd have to read the book again to think of the others. Oh, this isn't Wordsworth or STC, but "Ozymandias", too. Personally, I think that's kind of a weak way to write your poem, or to get around to your image. I'll accept that I'm more narrative-minded than is healthy, but I think this is going to leave even the straight-up imagists among us wanting. Sarcasm aside, if this were my image I'd try to add some aspects of (yes) story-telling: a character, a progression, a change. The real approach I'd take is to lighten or semiundermine the allegory imagery (sea of fire, birds actually changing feathers), to make it pretty much subjective. I.e., walking at a specific time, thinking about some specific situation in his life, guy sees tree with birds flying around, imagines the rest. Or maybe it's sunset, so as he's looking out what he sees actually looks like a sea of fire, etc. That's tough, I know. I've got tons of images thought up that I'm always trying to find ways to slip into poems. Note: I meant "You can't stand amidst it, amidst a river." I'm mistyping all over the place. I blame Arabs. Now if I could only figure out HOW...
Re: There is a journey tree by ALChemy	LilMsLadyPoet 24.162.238.185	18-Oct-05/12:01 PM
Zodiac is right, about the usage of 'stands amidst' and brink/waterfall, brinks/waterfalls. but be careful of 'that ends'...alot of s's. You go from talking about the birds...(Which I think is very cool, BTW.) to talking about the tree's leaves, again. ('Its leaves'The transition there left me unclear for a second. I wonder if the bird thing would work better as the ending, that way you concentrate on the tree, then pan up to the birds above it. Some puncutation would be helpful. I like this piece...and I believe there is always a 'tree', of some sort or another, even if it is only the one I construct in my mind's eye.
Re: Low Tide by somemorepoetry	LilMsLadyPoet 24.162.238.185	18-Oct-05/11:49 AM
It starts out good, and some good stuff throughout it, but it kinda falls apart on me, in the middle...it gets all unlcear...and then the last line is cool.
Re: a comment on How Angels Smell by Dovina	LilMsLadyPoet 24.162.238.185	18-Oct-05/11:29 AM
Only English in the bloodline, never been there...but...flavour suggests, well, more flavour than the American-English flavor, don't you think? I also prefer grey to gray, and colour to color. It just seems richer...more full of flavour and colour when spelled the Olde English way. (Should those both end with e's? (I AM a descendant of Mary Stuart...and am intoxicated by David Bowie...does that count? LOL!)
Re: a comment on monday v2 by ay deee	ay deee 204.90.50.252	18-Oct-05/6:20 AM
hold on. what? what about the words in this poem put a skirt on?
Re: a comment on a skinny man on the dock by ay deee	ay deee 204.90.50.252	18-Oct-05/6:17 AM
stealing is a moral decision. i am glad you like it. it is an abrupt ending, but i had hoped it to make one want to start again from the top. it could be its own stanza here i suppose...
Re: My deepest thoughts by poetandknowit	Caducus 172.201.235.165	18-Oct-05/5:57 AM
Looking back on my earlier stuff I agree it sucked ass. The occasional line / stanza was okay but I cringe looking back at some of it. My error was to post stuff in no apparent order, for instance I would post a poem i wrote at 20 and then the same day one I just wrote at 27 and its no wonder you thought 'what the fuck'? I realized this error and birthed the swine - now I hope some of my later ones (the last 30 or so) are passable. I was an arrogant cunt and apologize.
Re: Air Guitar by Miggy	zodiac 217.144.7.195	18-Oct-05/5:45 AM
And I love how it makes masturbation almost elegant. -10-
Re: Air Guitar by Miggy	zodiac 217.144.7.195	18-Oct-05/5:44 AM
Oddly, your best song to date. -10-
Re: Loving An Angel by Brego	Niphredil 192.115.60.89	18-Oct-05/5:39 AM
but why do you keep the pointless capitalization? It's not even uniform... in a sentence like this, for instance, 'If it was just a dream or a Foolish fantasy,' there's absolutely no necessity to capitalize within the sentence.
Re: a comment on Figment by Dovina	zodiac 217.144.7.195	18-Oct-05/4:34 AM
Ha. I just remembered why I still love you, after everything.
Re: a skinny man on the dock by ay deee	Dovina 17.255.240.138	17-Oct-05/7:10 PM
May I steal your last line? It's great - could use it in lots of places. But it doesn't seem to fit here.
Re: a comment on monday v2 by ay deee	Dovina 17.255.240.138	17-Oct-05/6:57 PM
So do I. It's what separates us and gives us that unique, adorable character men cn't resist.
Re: a comment on Figment by Dovina	Dovina 209.247.222.89	17-Oct-05/4:57 PM
Dovina's magic - CROWD: You're not levitating. You're just standing there. DOVINA: It's all in having faith like a mustard seed. Everyone levitates. The trick is in doing an unordinary thing. Blaaaat.
Re: a comment on I don't rhyme enough, eh? by Niphredil	zodiac 217.144.7.195	17-Oct-05/12:12 PM
It's all there: Guy walks into a bar, drinks a beer, pulls a gun, grabs the girl, runs.
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	zodiac 217.144.7.195	17-Oct-05/12:08 PM
I appreciate your wanting to make them represent all these things, but if you don't try to make them represent AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE THINGS well, you're not doing very good poetry. Ambiguity is 99% of the time just sloppiness.
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	zodiac 217.144.7.195	17-Oct-05/12:05 PM
You can stand in the middle of something. You can't stand in amidst it. There is a journey tree Standing in a wide river Where a waterfall crests Into a sea of fire - is the easiest thing I can think of. Pigeons and doves are the same species. Most "doves" released at dove-releasings are really trained homing pigeons. I was just using someone else's "hypothetical". Unfortunately, it was Dovina's. You're wrong thinking hypothetical implies a "realistic" situation. Recently on poemranker we've had hypothetical worlds where, among other things - humans evolved with hairy asses, - I'm not wearing pants, and - people communicate using only lies. An image like your tree is nice for a color-by-numbers painting over the TV, the kind usually depicting lighthouses standing against the storm, or rainstorms looming over a small Alpine cottage. If you mean it to be a story, or poem, or story-poem, or poem-story, I think you need it to do something. I also think that'll be really hard to do. People who try tend to do one or more of the following things: - Be walking along full of doubt and find the tree, - Be swept along in the river and grab the tree, - Remember the tree from youth and return to find it gone, - Be Samuel T. Coleridge and zonked on Mexican brown.
Re: a comment on I don't rhyme enough, eh? by Niphredil	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	17-Oct-05/11:16 AM
Ok?
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	17-Oct-05/11:07 AM
The dove and pigeon are open to interpretation as is most of the poem. They could represent racism, religion, sexism, social hierarchy, etc. The point is, is that they are practically the same but are more often than not percieved as different. The exchanging of feathers is the dissolving of these kinds of illusions. In my personal view (but this doesn't have to be the only view) The birds are actually a critique of the actual theme itself. Saying why save some and not all, why call some a pigeon and some a dove? In that way the poem is as hypocritical as life itself.