zodiac
on Marriage by Dovina
19 Oct 2005, 3:14 AM
Spoken like someone not married.
Ghazals look so easy but they're not. How does a butcher block wear then? They do wear. I'll work on the rest. Now? i need some. bleh.
I got here late. Add me to the barrage. However ,I like the dove/pigeon thing. The core is good. Lift that bale! Tote that barge!
Your premise: "We only awaken once" It took awhile to see the sun as one awakened thing, the rooster as another. But then you say "then," well, seems it should be "or" or something not implying two awakenings of the same thing. And the butcher block - chips? Oh, somebody must be constructing it, because they don't give off chips in normal use. Then I lose you when chips awaken as farmer and farm.
Amen.
Okay, immitate British spelling if you think it adds good stuff: flavour, colour, odour. Just beware the errour, the tremour, the inferiour humour your apt to find here.
"through the night"
I disagree with "one day we will get this world right."
To elaborate, you seem to be coming at things from a kind of Wordsworth-&-Coleridge Romantic position. That is, you have an image you want to show people, and the rest of the poem (to the extent there is one) is kind of a shabby prop or excuse for that. Cf, all the poems in Lyrical Ballads - "We Are Seven" is the first that comes to mind. I'd have to read the book again to think of the others. Oh, this isn't Wordsworth or STC, but "Ozymandias", too.
Personally, I think that's kind of a weak way to write your poem, or to get around to your image. I'll accept that I'm more narrative-minded than is healthy, but I think this is going to leave even the straight-up imagists among us wanting. Sarcasm aside, if this were my image I'd try to add some aspects of (yes) story-telling: a character, a progression, a change. The real approach I'd take is to lighten or semiundermine the allegory imagery (sea of fire, birds actually changing feathers), to make it pretty much subjective. I.e., walking at a specific time, thinking about some specific situation in his life, guy sees tree with birds flying around, imagines the rest. Or maybe it's sunset, so as he's looking out what he sees actually looks like a sea of fire, etc. That's tough, I know. I've got tons of images thought up that I'm always trying to find ways to slip into poems.
Note: I meant "You can't stand amidst it, amidst a river." I'm mistyping all over the place. I blame Arabs. Now if I could only figure out HOW...
Zodiac is right, about the usage of 'stands amidst' and brink/waterfall, brinks/waterfalls. but be careful of 'that ends'...alot of s's.
You go from talking about the birds...(Which I think is very cool, BTW.) to talking about the tree's leaves, again. ('Its leaves'The transition there left me unclear for a second. I wonder if the bird thing would work better as the ending, that way you concentrate on the tree, then pan up to the birds above it. Some puncutation would be helpful. I like this piece...and I believe there is always a 'tree', of some sort or another, even if it is only the one I construct in my mind's eye.
It starts out good, and some good stuff throughout it, but it kinda falls apart on me, in the middle...it gets all unlcear...and then the last line is cool.
Only English in the bloodline, never been there...but...flavour suggests, well, more flavour than the American-English flavor, don't you think? I also prefer grey to gray, and colour to color. It just seems richer...more full of flavour and colour when spelled the Olde English way. (Should those both end with e's? (I AM a descendant of Mary Stuart...and am intoxicated by David Bowie...does that count? LOL!)
stealing is a moral decision. i am glad you like it. it is an abrupt ending, but i had hoped it to make one want to start again from the top. it could be its own stanza here i suppose...
Looking back on my earlier stuff I agree it sucked ass.
The occasional line / stanza was okay but I cringe looking back at some of it.
My error was to post stuff in no apparent order, for instance I would post a poem i wrote at 20 and then the same day one I just wrote at 27 and its no wonder you thought 'what the fuck'?
I realized this error and birthed the swine - now I hope some of my later ones (the last 30 or so) are passable.
I was an arrogant cunt and apologize.
And I love how it makes masturbation almost elegant. -10-
Oddly, your best song to date. -10-
but why do you keep the pointless capitalization? It's not even uniform... in a sentence like this, for instance,
'If it was just a dream or a Foolish fantasy,'
there's absolutely no necessity to capitalize within the sentence.