Re: a comment on Mandarin Trial by cyan9	Blindpoetry 70.172.225.193	10-Nov-05/7:05 PM
Fourth stanza looks fine, to me. :) About the third stanza - it just looks awkward seeing 'I lay' right above and below each other. Maybe two different words, but both meaning some form of 'lay'?
Re: Headlines by Dovina	Blindpoetry 70.172.225.193	10-Nov-05/7:01 PM
Your not a part of the media are you? This is exactly what they are saying. "DEATH DEATH DEATH will STRIKE STRIKE STRIKE us"
Re: a comment on phases of futility... by Bhaskaryya	Dovina 69.175.32.104	10-Nov-05/6:42 PM
'Seasoned' as a poetic twist of 'seasonal' does not work for me because 'seasoned' has an established meaning; also it would be 'seasonaled.' Actually, I know a woman who says she has only loved only one man, and he has never returned more than a hill returns to the wind.
Re: a comment on phases of futility... by Bhaskaryya	Bhaskaryya 202.63.190.227	10-Nov-05/6:29 PM
If you used 'seasoned' as a synonym for 'seasonal' (not correctly, but in poetry it could work) don't you think it could well be a 'seasoned' mate? May be the two people met only once a year. And 'seasoned' could mean 'evergreen' or 'experienced' too. May be he was (or could have been) a seasoned partner to her. Such a tale might seem unimaginable to many but it's not so. For some people their first love is the love of a life-time for them. May be a wastage, but that's how it is.
Re: phases of futility... by Bhaskaryya	Dovina 69.175.32.104	10-Nov-05/12:10 PM
To pursue such a woman throughout life seems unimaginagle to me. The first verse works well. In the second, 'rain' seems a poor metaphor for a seasoned mate, and with your explanation, 'rain' seems inadequate a parallel for a thwarted love. The last verse, where leaves are memories, works well.
Re: a comment on phases of futility... by Bhaskaryya	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	10-Nov-05/8:21 AM
I meant in the first line.
Re: a comment on phases of futility... by Bhaskaryya	Bhaskaryya 202.63.190.227	10-Nov-05/8:01 AM
The '...' shows the story continues. It's a never ending cycle!
Re: a comment on phases of futility... by Bhaskaryya	Bhaskaryya 202.63.190.227	10-Nov-05/8:00 AM
I think I'll retain the THE as it refers to one particular thing. Leaves is a metaphor for memory and thus THE is is required. Yes, if you look at the title, it opens the poem to a different level of interpretation and it has more beyond the surface. The poem is about the three stanzas in the life of the man in question. The first is his youth where he loves this woman blindly and his love makes him pretty touchy and frgaile. But she's hard-hearted and remains unmoved by his affection. Later, they develop a certain amount of friendship but it's still not enough to quench the thirst of the man. He offers her his friendship and love but it's still not enough for the woman to develop the long term relationship with him. The third stanza looks more into the life of the woman. They are no longer together or even in touch. She too is now old as the oak and his memory passes by her sometimes and causes a momentary distress i her mind but even that passes of soon and she's back to her normal life. Certain pahrases like 'seasoned mate' and 'too much is never enough' have deeper metaphors but then again, they are for the reader to figure out! Thabks for reading!
Re: a comment on Steak and Satin by Dovina	Dovina 209.247.222.82	10-Nov-05/6:42 AM
I see now that your passion will never subside. You will clutter each and every poem, mine or not, until I give in to you and answer why I said blacks are the most different from whites, or retract it. Well ok then. I now commit to doing that, but it will take some time which I don’t have now. Perhaps this will abate the onslaught.
Re: a comment on Posted Pelicans by Dovina	Dovina 209.247.222.82	10-Nov-05/6:39 AM
I see now that your passion will never subside. You will clutter each and every poem, mine or not, until I give in to you and answer why I said blacks are the most different from whites, or retract it. Well ok then. I now commit to doing that, but it will take some time which I don’t have now. Perhaps this will abate the onslaught.
Re: a comment on Sonata for Robin and Poet by Dovina	Dovina 209.247.222.82	10-Nov-05/6:34 AM
Alert and standing vertical with respect to his center of gravity. Actually there's no other way to stand without falling.
Re: a comment on Sonata for Robin and Poet by Dovina	Dovina 209.247.222.82	10-Nov-05/6:32 AM
No good reason for the candle. It's just in keeping with the image of a poet who holds a candle and mirror to society. I read it somewhere.
Re: a comment on Mandarin Trial by cyan9	cyan9 217.40.63.105	10-Nov-05/6:01 AM
Perhaps the repetition of sheets could go, but I like the rhyme to it, the problem is that I altered the first stanza that rhymed with this in order to improve the description, but now they are more seperated as a result. For me it is the 4th stanza that seems most out of place. I would welcome any ideas on how to integrate this.
Re: a comment on Sleep by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	10-Nov-05/5:15 AM
The part about your personal life was in jest also but you see how hard it is to convey comedy under the restrictions of literature. Some people on Poemranker never realize others can't hear the sarcasm or deadpan or teasing that they hear in their thoughts while writing their quips. Anyhow, no harm no foul.
Re: a comment on Szaehling by MacFrantic	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	10-Nov-05/5:03 AM
So you're Jack Kerouac.
Re: phases of futility... by Bhaskaryya	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	10-Nov-05/4:55 AM
First stanza is great. although the "..." may be over doing it a little. The other 2 stanzas aren't quite as good.
Re: I LOVE A PROSTITUTE by Bhaskaryya	Caducus 172.212.241.153	10-Nov-05/3:13 AM
We're all whores at some point in our lives. Poets are the worst kind, we like to parade our words hoping others buy what we say.
Re: phases of futility... by Bhaskaryya	Caducus 172.212.241.153	10-Nov-05/3:11 AM
Indulgent. The opening line works but I'm left thinking if their is more beyond the surface to this or if its my overactive mind. Last stanza drop stirs up the leaves (you dont need THE) Otherwise quite solid.
Re: a comment on I LOVE A PROSTITUTE by Bhaskaryya	Bhaskaryya 202.63.190.227	10-Nov-05/12:54 AM
Hey, could you please tell me what does weighted score mean and how's it calculated?
Re: Farm animals by INTRANSIT	Bhaskaryya 202.63.190.227	9-Nov-05/8:56 PM
A great poem with some excellent metaphors. However, I hope you wouldn't mind me calling this a loose adaptation of the traditional ghazal. Ghazals are a passion with me and the traditional form comes along various rules and restrictions including rhymes and refrains. This might help you a bit: http://allpoetry.com/Column/784848