poemranker ::Mandarin Trial by cyan9

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Free verse № 133145

Mandarin Trial

Member since 2005 · Posted 9 Nov 2005 · 3 comments

I awoke from my slumber to the warmth of day. Sunlight scattered 2D planes like glass panes through the room, Cutting through to illuminate fragments of stars in the dust. I lent forward and started to open the curtains, Time stood still and after minutes within a split second A irridescent wave of serotonin charged light burst through me. I lay back into the sheets to curtail the rushes, I lay back into the sheets, helpless to the bliss Helpless, and paralysed in pleasure beyond all limits. Powerless and limp to this Elysian outburst I began my descent back into the pillows Deeper down into my sleep within this world. With jolting limb I awoke again into the warmth of day, Sunlight scattered this time in celestial patterns, Stars rebounded and I lay perplexed & confounded. I fell back through the duvet, back through the mattress Back into another world between the seems, Panicked and begging to know of what fate awaited me. Into a sunlit glade I was released. Shards of light ricocheted off every tree, Dew trickled down from forever green leaves, I lay there, alive and paralysed within

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mean 5.33 weighted 5.04 rank 7046 views 208 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

3 comments

[8] Blindpoetry 9-Nov-05/7:48 PM Reply
It was nice.
line 6: A[n] irridescent...

third stanza looks out of place with the repeated phrase: I lay back into the sheets...
[n/a] cyan9 › Blindpoetry 10-Nov-05/6:01 AM Reply
Perhaps the repetition of sheets could go, but I like the rhyme to it, the problem is that I altered the first stanza that rhymed with this in order to improve the description, but now they are more seperated as a result. For me it is the 4th stanza that seems most out of place. I would welcome any ideas on how to integrate this.
[8] Blindpoetry › cyan9 10-Nov-05/7:05 PM Reply
Fourth stanza looks fine, to me. :)
About the third stanza - it just looks awkward seeing 'I lay' right above and below each other.
Maybe two different words, but both meaning some form of 'lay'?