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Mandarin Trial (Free verse) by cyan9
I awoke from my slumber to the warmth of day. Sunlight scattered 2D planes like glass panes through the room, Cutting through to illuminate fragments of stars in the dust. I lent forward and started to open the curtains, Time stood still and after minutes within a split second A irridescent wave of serotonin charged light burst through me. I lay back into the sheets to curtail the rushes, I lay back into the sheets, helpless to the bliss Helpless, and paralysed in pleasure beyond all limits. Powerless and limp to this Elysian outburst I began my descent back into the pillows Deeper down into my sleep within this world. With jolting limb I awoke again into the warmth of day, Sunlight scattered this time in celestial patterns, Stars rebounded and I lay perplexed & confounded. I fell back through the duvet, back through the mattress Back into another world between the seems, Panicked and begging to know of what fate awaited me. Into a sunlit glade I was released. Shards of light ricocheted off every tree, Dew trickled down from forever green leaves, I lay there, alive and paralysed within

Down the ladder: The Thief

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Weighted score: 5.0397344
Overall Rank: 7095
Posted: November 9, 2005 5:51 AM PST; Last modified: November 9, 2005 5:51 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] Blindpoetry @ 70.172.225.193 | 9-Nov-05/7:48 PM | Reply
It was nice.
line 6: A[n] irridescent...

third stanza looks out of place with the repeated phrase: I lay back into the sheets...
[n/a] cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105 > Blindpoetry | 10-Nov-05/6:01 AM | Reply
Perhaps the repetition of sheets could go, but I like the rhyme to it, the problem is that I altered the first stanza that rhymed with this in order to improve the description, but now they are more seperated as a result. For me it is the 4th stanza that seems most out of place. I would welcome any ideas on how to integrate this.
[8] Blindpoetry @ 70.172.225.193 > cyan9 | 10-Nov-05/7:05 PM | Reply
Fourth stanza looks fine, to me. :)
About the third stanza - it just looks awkward seeing 'I lay' right above and below each other.
Maybe two different words, but both meaning some form of 'lay'?
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