poemranker ::phases of futility... by Bhaskaryya

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Free verse № 133188

phases of futility...

by Bhaskaryya

Member since 2004 · Posted 10 Nov 2005 · 10 comments

I am to you but... Wind to the hill every touch changes course of my life and yet moves you not rain to the swan a delicate fantasy a seasoned mate but too much is never enough passing zephyr to the old oak that stirs up the leaves and after the momentary rustle loses itself within echoes of silence...

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10 comments

[7] Caducus 10-Nov-05/3:11 AM Reply
Indulgent. The opening line works but I'm left thinking if their is more beyond the surface to this or if its my overactive mind.

Last stanza drop stirs up the leaves (you dont need THE)

Otherwise quite solid.
[n/a] Bhaskaryya › Caducus 10-Nov-05/8:00 AM Reply
I think I'll retain the THE as it refers to one particular thing. Leaves is a metaphor for memory and thus THE is is required.

Yes, if you look at the title, it opens the poem to a different level of interpretation and it has more beyond the surface.

The poem is about the three stanzas in the life of the man in question. The first is his youth where he loves this woman blindly and his love makes him pretty touchy and frgaile. But she's hard-hearted and remains unmoved by his affection.

Later, they develop a certain amount of friendship but it's still not enough to quench the thirst of the man. He offers her his friendship and love but it's still not enough for the woman to develop the long term relationship with him.

The third stanza looks more into the life of the woman. They are no longer together or even in touch. She too is now old as the oak and his memory passes by her sometimes and causes a momentary distress i her mind but even that passes of soon and she's back to her normal life.

Certain pahrases like 'seasoned mate' and 'too much is never enough' have deeper metaphors but then again, they are for the reader to figure out!

Thabks for reading!
[n/a] ALChemy 10-Nov-05/4:55 AM Reply
First stanza is great. although the "..." may be over doing it a little. The other 2 stanzas aren't quite as good.
[n/a] Bhaskaryya › ALChemy 10-Nov-05/8:01 AM Reply
The '...' shows the story continues. It's a never ending cycle!
[n/a] ALChemy › Bhaskaryya 10-Nov-05/8:21 AM Reply
I meant in the first line.
[8] Dovina 10-Nov-05/12:10 PM Reply
To pursue such a woman throughout life seems unimaginagle to me. The first verse works well. In the second, 'rain' seems a poor metaphor for a seasoned mate, and with your explanation, 'rain' seems inadequate a parallel for a thwarted love. The last verse, where leaves are memories, works well.
[n/a] Bhaskaryya › Dovina 10-Nov-05/6:29 PM Reply
If you used 'seasoned' as a synonym for 'seasonal' (not correctly, but in poetry it could work) don't you think it could well be a 'seasoned' mate? May be the two people met only once a year.
And 'seasoned' could mean 'evergreen' or 'experienced' too. May be he was (or could have been) a seasoned partner to her.

Such a tale might seem unimaginable to many but it's not so. For some people their first love is the love of a life-time for them. May be a wastage, but that's how it is.
[8] Dovina › Bhaskaryya 10-Nov-05/6:42 PM Reply
'Seasoned' as a poetic twist of 'seasonal' does not work for me because 'seasoned' has an established meaning; also it would be 'seasonaled.'

Actually, I know a woman who says she has only loved only one man, and he has never returned more than a hill returns to the wind.
[n/a] ALChemy › Dovina 11-Nov-05/7:05 AM Reply
Me? I prefer my women just lightly salted.
[n/a] Bhaskaryya › ALChemy 11-Nov-05/7:34 AM Reply
My appetite inclines towards 'strawberrish' or 'chocolatish'! (self-made words, mind you!)