Re: A moment, homeward by ecargo	Caducus 80.168.173.207	25-Jan-06/7:35 AM
Sonnet like and an eye debut from you to me. Good first impression
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	Caducus 80.168.173.207	25-Jan-06/7:33 AM
Different in style from you and the wit mixes well with the wisdom. I think the link from poin tot point needs a tidy though (example: their secret dimples until the lightbulb is screwed in Szechuan Some novel lines / expression use in this.
Re: A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/7:28 AM
"Everyone's a book of blood; whenever we're opened we're red." -Clive Barker from The Books of Blood. Kinda comes across as a nice kids poem. So in that way I don't mind the simpler rhymes :)
Re: a comment on The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	Joe-joe 170.28.4.4	25-Jan-06/7:09 AM
Very constructive comments ecargo. You're absolutely right about the NR coming out of nowhere... I actually wrote the last 4 lines first while sitting at my desk this morning. Don't ask me why but the Humpty Dumpty and Three Blind Mice thing just popped into my mind...that's kind of how it is with most of what I write. Interesting image but I felt myself straining to fit it within the context of a story...another common occurrence with regard to my writing. Again, I appreciate your thoughtful suggestions. Joe
Re: A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	ecargo 167.219.0.143	25-Jan-06/6:51 AM
Amanda D'Costa! You stick with the metaphor all the way through and obviously put time into the meter and rhyme scheme, and the story/voice is nice. Simple is good, but the endstopped rhymes are too basic (for me anyway). I like simple rhymes too, but if there isn't some interesting language/imagery for contrast, they usually fall flat. A good example is Frost's most famous, "Nothing Gold Can Stay"--the rhymes are simple as can be, as is the meter (both of which absolutely fit the poem), but the language is so lyrical and fresh and the images so strong and original that the simple rhymes become part of the poem's strength). Stretch a bit. You've obviously got the interest and willingness to think about what you write--now take it to the next step. Which poets do you like to read? What is it about their work that works for you? That's always a good place to start.
Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/6:43 AM
Fascinating. This would be a great introduction to a story.
Re: a comment on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/6:39 AM
Hopefully not infamous though. I had a psychologist tell me that she'd never met anyone more stable and with such inner peace. I thought, geeze lady you're more messed up than I am.
Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	ecargo 167.219.0.143	25-Jan-06/6:36 AM
Almost there Joe. Consider losing some of the modifiers (neatly, old abandoned--why not just abandoned?--restful (not that restful if you're up listening to the trains), etc.. Why "inexplicably" makes its (no apos. for the possessive "its"). "feel life in the ground beneath you" is nice. Needs more buildup/connection to the nursery rhyme aspects--they seem to come out of nowhere.
Re: a comment on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	25-Jan-06/5:31 AM
Ha ha ha..... Shrink he is! He says that its because of me he's landed up here. While I say that I'm his bystander, and that he's the patient who claims to be a doc. All the same, he's the one who signed me onto this site, posting my first poem here. I suppose he plans to study characters like you (through my membership) and then present a paper on his study. Look out for your name in the International journals of Psychiatry. You could be famous. Think about it....your path to fame.......
Re: a comment on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/5:13 AM
He's a shrink? Cool, maybe he can cure some of us. Welcome to the cuckoos nest known as poemranker my dear.
Re: a comment on When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/4:54 AM
Thank God you spent some time in luke warm NC. before heading north to Alaska. The temperature shock between Arabia and Alaska might have given you permanent Katharine Hepburn shakes.
Re: Insanity by Lifeboatman	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	25-Jan-06/12:17 AM
Poetry-wise, this might be good (still, I'm not saying it is), but matter-wise, it stinks!
Re: Unfortunate Lover by elderking	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	24-Jan-06/10:57 PM
Nice...I think you need to get rid of some pronouns, clean it up a little. I really like the concept, and the rhyme.
Re: a comment on When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	24-Jan-06/10:56 PM
You been to Shimla, or to India for that matter?
Re: a comment on When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	24-Jan-06/10:54 PM
I've been to Shimla last year and shivered terribly even with the umpteen amount of clothing and sitting near the heaters. Didn't even venture out into the knee deep snow, to keep myself alive..... and still returned with a lung infection.... can't think how one can tolerate cold for long. I still love the snow, though.
Re: a comment on When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	zodiac 209.193.14.48	24-Jan-06/9:24 PM
It's an adventure, like going to Shimla. Tonight it's only -2 centigrade. We're not in Fairbanks or the North Slope, where it's been -42C (-44F) all day.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	elderking 209.79.199.69	24-Jan-06/9:20 PM
I liked this alot. Very good.
Re: a comment on In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	AuntyM 205.188.117.6	24-Jan-06/8:54 PM
lol.
Re: I Remembered, Upon Waking by Alizarin_Crimson	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	24-Jan-06/8:02 PM
The poem is well written... though it gave me the idea of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Well written and a good theme.
Re: a comment on When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	24-Jan-06/7:57 PM
Alaska? What's up with you in Alaska.... in winter? Huh, I'm feeling chill here with a mild mild winter, and to hear of someone going to Alaska freezes me. Or is is that cold as I imagine it to be?