Re: my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Mar-06/11:07 AM
Nice enough, although as you'd emphasised morning and evening, I'd like to see the second haiku have a 'midday' theme, just to complete the set. It would also give you scope to put a little more imagery in the second one; in comparison with the others it is lacking somewhat at the moment.
Re: The Bait by Dhanesh M Kumar	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Mar-06/11:04 AM
Personally I'd replace 'smooch' with something else, and 'The holder often/enthralls with proud/while...' doesn't make sense - perhaps 'enthralled with pride', or something like that. Other than that, not bad.
Re: The King Of Loserville by mindsigns	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Mar-06/11:00 AM
'Some think I should get laid' would fit better.
Re: Portals to you by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Mar-06/10:58 AM
Nice, I'm tempted to suggest that you get rid of 'are' at the end of each opening line, maybe keep in in stanza 3 (at the start of line 2). Other than that, very pleasant!
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Mar-06/10:54 AM
I think I have it: 'Could the mist, a flowing turn of white Seen by dawn - avail Him, kneeling No' I might even get rid of the 'No', it feels a bit redundant with the edit. With the enjambment, would you capitalise 'Him', or keep it lowercase?
Re: Existential questions by kawakurdi	Fayt 141.157.35.222	6-Mar-06/10:42 AM
o so true...
Re: my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	Fayt 141.157.35.222	6-Mar-06/10:39 AM
pleasent to read.
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Mar-06/10:15 AM
Oh crikey--I caught the wedding imagery but didn't tie this into it. Yeah, I like the wordplay. I even think the line sounds good, but I have trouble following it--Could the mist . . . to him avail (i.e., be of use to him)--is that what you mean? Maybe it's as simple as a comma after white and losing "seem"--"Could the mist, a flowing turn/ of white, by dawn avail/ him? [Since avail means "to be of use to," you don't really need the "to him" avail]. Yeah, make it work, good stuff here.
Re: a comment on At Last in the Garden by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Mar-06/10:04 AM
Thanks. :)
Re: a comment on At Last in the Garden by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Mar-06/10:03 AM
Thanks. There's lots not right with it, but it's gratifying that you liked the couple of things that I thought worked okay. :)
Re: a comment on The Ocean by Fayt	Fayt 141.157.35.222	6-Mar-06/9:58 AM
and i like it better without the possessive as well now that you mention it, ill take that out as well.
Re: a comment on The Ocean by Fayt	Fayt 141.157.35.222	6-Mar-06/9:57 AM
Your right, i just wrote it and posted it before i walked out of my last class. I didnt take the time to edit it, ill do it now.
Re: The King Of Loserville by mindsigns	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Mar-06/9:53 AM
Figure out a way to kill three quarters of the "I"s and this'll get a lot better.
Re: The Final Night by xXxDemonicAngelxXx	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Mar-06/9:49 AM
Would make a decent lyric.
Re: goddess of the harvest by calliope	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Mar-06/9:45 AM
Very odd.
Re: happy, but cautious by hendrimike	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Mar-06/9:41 AM
Some nice details: "in the summer when the dusk calls you to dinner/and dogs go swimming in lakes swallowing sunsets." First couple of lines are awkward, esp. "shifting breeze that feels good to be near.
Re: The Ocean by Fayt	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	6-Mar-06/9:19 AM
Unless the ocean's name is "Sweet" I suggest losing the possesive form. While your at it change "Sweet" to something else. The ocean's not sweet it's salty. What's with all the caps in the first line.
Re: The King Of Loserville by mindsigns	lmp 141.154.134.3	6-Mar-06/9:14 AM
not sure how to vote yet (still cogitating), but aptly titled.
Re: A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	Bobjim 84.9.184.25	6-Mar-06/8:07 AM
Guess you don't need to complain about the lack of comments anymore. :D
Re: a comment on Pelted with stones on the common by Bobjim	Bobjim 84.9.184.25	6-Mar-06/8:04 AM
It flows perfectly. By the time I'm finished with you, you'll understand what the line means too.