Re: Ass-love by mrs smith	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.48.65	24-Jul-06/2:33 AM
God bless you for writing this little gem of a poem. Would there were more people like you in the world!
Re: Golden Showers by mrs smith	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.48.65	24-Jul-06/2:31 AM
This is a really lovely poem, so meaningful and awe-inspiring.
Re: Golden Showers by mrs smith	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.50.160	24-Jul-06/2:28 AM
This is a really lovely poem, so meaningful and awe-inspiring.
Re: a comment on To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 86.131.46.220	23-Jul-06/1:27 PM
Well the thing is that capitalising 'His' really tells us who you're talking about. If you just want this to go to a Christian audience, that's fine. But if you want it to have wider appeal you'll need to remove the out-and-out references so someone with different beliefs can still apply it. It is, of course, your call.
Re: Trash by drnick	Ranger 86.131.46.220	23-Jul-06/1:18 PM
This is awesome. I love the loose rhymes; rhythm was a little swift for me but it still worked well enough. Just altogether really, really good to read. Glad you're writing again!
Re: Untitled (a draft) by rnuk	Ranger 86.131.49.227	22-Jul-06/1:02 AM
This is a really neat concept but it needs to be in prose format, I think. At least the first four stanzas do. You could get away with making this half poetry, half prose. That would also free you a little more to use your more conversational style. I read it like a story instead of as a poem and it worked well. The ending is particularly good :-) Typo - 'penultimate'
Re: a comment on To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 202.164.141.116	21-Jul-06/4:22 AM
maybe my second last line should read 'of the one who holds my life in His hands.'
Re: a comment on To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 202.164.141.116	21-Jul-06/4:20 AM
Actually, I wrote the 'healthy, wealthy and wise' bit on purpose. This is to stress that this little girl could never be as healthy as we think we are, or be wealthy in way of worldly terms, and also 'wise' for what she's labled, and despite us having this to our advantage, how much do we value this pricless gift of 'normal life'.
Re: a comment on I'm Learning To Drive by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 202.164.141.116	21-Jul-06/4:14 AM
lol... but I'm glad that you didn't say that I wrote it that way.
Re: a comment on I'm Learning To Drive by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 202.164.141.116	21-Jul-06/4:09 AM
Cadacus... Geeeee thanks. I know that my poem could do with a bit of editing. It's great to get some constructive critisism. Let me see what I can do to modify it accordingly. Anyhow, Dovina and you have given me pretty good views, which I appreciate. Thanks.
Re: I'm Learning To Drive by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 86.137.20.84	21-Jul-06/2:02 AM
Here's an example creating more of a controlled meter, a touch of metaphor yet retaining what you implied in the original. If you want to change the following stanzas give it a go, the flow and line meter alone can do wonders to the readability and general impresson a poem can give. You have the whimsical vibe and portray things nice enough its just the control you kinda lose. sitting at the wheel. rain clouds storm heaven trees arch like a whores back, with electric veins and drums He’s there in my vehicle an observant kindly instructor, Watching my every move, eyes fixed on the road he commands… ‘Left indicator, brakes a little, clutch and first gear, move on slowly… hump ahead press the clutch and shift to two, accelerate a bit, if you’re confident, shift your gears to three and speed on’. And so I do. I shift to the fourth, speed away, ever confident that I know it all and forgets he’s there. The thrill of being in control envelopes my senses. I’m transferred to a world of my own, till I come to a junction; the rain’s pouring down and I don’t know how to stop, when he suddenly presses the brakes.. and then I realize he’s got the controls on his side too, and I’m saved in the nick of time. Lord, how could I forget You’re in control of my life? I’m glad you are.
Re: I'm Learning To Drive by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 86.137.20.84	21-Jul-06/1:53 AM
The images are conjured vividly and the stronger opening helps. The ending was a bit of a letdown as I got the impression throughout that this was going to be a chilled out poem about driving around in the elements and in the end i think you xcranked the gears and spun out out control (pardon the cheesy pun). If you made this about six or so lines shorter it could be a really cool piece. Dont get me wrong its good, worth a 7 or 8 in my opinion but not the finished piece it could be.
Re: a comment on Contractual Paradox of the Old by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.34.203	20-Jul-06/8:58 PM
I love flattery, even with an uncertain but.
Re: a comment on Contractual Paradox of the Old by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.35.32	20-Jul-06/4:59 PM
I have seen neither the movie nor the diary of which you speak. As for the guy’s five year plan, it looked to me, as I was watching their eyes meet, that his intentions went way beyond that.
Re: To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 86.131.60.174	20-Jul-06/1:28 PM
This has a good and worthy message within. I would change the last line to something more subtle. The whole poem is very direct; end it slightly less so. Also, the ending is sort of open - not quite a question, but wondering who it is that holds your life. Don't give us the answer so overtly. I'm happy to say that I got this message long ago and have lived it ever since :-) On that note I'm going to catch up with Niphredil; you'll be happy to know she's still alive, despite everything going on in the Med.
Re: Contractual Paradox of the Old by Dovina	Ranger 86.131.60.174	20-Jul-06/1:22 PM
Yet again you've raised the standard of your writing even further. The only thing I'm uncertain of here is the colon after 'but'. Nothing else to say.
Re: Mind Over Madness by drnick	Ranger 86.131.60.174	20-Jul-06/1:19 PM
Good lines. I'm not yet certain which way your attitudes towards it are going, but I'll keep reading and work it out.
Re: a comment on I'm Learning To Drive by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 71.241.66.181	20-Jul-06/12:42 PM
Dovina read it sexually not me, I'm innocent I sware. Apperantly my mind is not on sex all the time which is actually a new revelation to me, I always assumed it was.
Re: To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 71.241.66.181	20-Jul-06/12:34 PM
True story: while walking home from my art class when I lived in Pittsburgh I saw a girl in a wheelchair contorted and obviously mentally and physically handycapped. She seemed happy at the time and she was holding in her hand a box. It was a board game with the word LIFE written across it in bold letters. I always wanted to make a painting of that. I agree with Dovina though on the "Healthy wealthy" cliche.
Re: Contractual Paradox of the Old by Dovina	ALChemy 71.241.66.181	20-Jul-06/12:26 PM
This reminds me of the movie "Network". You should rent it and pay attention to the love story part of the movie. The part with Faye Dunawaye and that old guy. Also, I wonder if this guy has a five year plan. This sounds more like someone's diary entry than a poem meant to evoke the readers feelings or thoughts.