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I'm Learning To Drive (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta Iâm sitting at the wheel.
The rain clouds storm the heavens
while the trees sway about,
accompanying the drum beats of thunder.
Heâs there in my vehicle
an observant understanding instructor,
Watching my every move,
eyes fixed on the road
he commandsâ¦
âLeft indicator,
brakes a little,
clutch and first gear,
move on slowly⦠thereâs a hump ahead
press the clutch and shift to two,
accelerate a bit,
if youâre confident, shift your gears to three
and speed onâ.
And so I do. I shift to the fourth,
speed away,
ever confident that I know it all
and forgets heâs there.
The thrill of being in control
envelops my senses.
Iâm transferred to a world of my own,
till I come to a junction;
the rainâs pouring down
and I donât know how to stop,
when he suddenly presses
the brakes..
and then I realize
heâs got the controls
on his side too,
and Iâm saved in the nick of time.
Lord, how could I forget
Youâre in control of my life?
Iâm glad you are.
Up the ladder:
The Room
Down the ladder:
The Snow Queen
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6
Posted: July 16, 2006 8:20 AM PDT; Last modified: July 16, 2006 8:20 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.190725 Overall Rank: 4673 Comments:
[n/a]
amanda_dcosta @ 202.164.138.155
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16-Jul-06/8:22 AM
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Reply
To those who have read and critiqued this poem...... sorry, but I accidently deleted this poem while trying to edit it.
My comment on the deleted one was a bit snide: âI'm sorry you said, near the end, that the car has dual controls. Up to there I imagined you on his lap in a fine rainy day romp along an Indian lane.â
Striving this time to inflict wounds of a friend, please take a few goddess stabs at an angel: Trees sway. The heavens storm. Iâm sitting at the wheel, driving to drum beats of thunder while the instructor watches. âLeft indicator, brake a little,â he commands⦠I clutch and find first gear, move on slowly⦠thereâs a hump ahead clutch again and shift to two, accelerate a bit, almost confident, I shift to three and speed on. I shift to the fourth, speed away, confident now, I forget heâs there. I thrill at being in control, transferred to a world of my own, till I come to a junction; the rainâs pouring, and I donât know how to stop. My instructor suddenly presses the brakes.. and then I realize heâs got the controls on his side too, and Iâm saved in the nick of time. Lord, how could I forget Youâre in control of my life?
D , you have a way of saying things without actually saying them.
The stabs were well aimed and right on target. ;-) Thanks for the look up on this poem again.
What I can't understand is why I didn't read it as sexual and you did. What, did we swap brains that day or something?
Your brain ain't where it should be. ;-)
Yeah but my hearts in the right place ;-)
Cool. You're reply is as expected. But this ain't abouy your heart or lungs. It's about whether you have your brains and if so, where it is. ;-)
And P.s. we didn't swap brains. I have mine and it's beautifully intact.
Dovina read it sexually not me, I'm innocent I sware. Apperantly my mind is not on sex all the time which is actually a new revelation to me, I always assumed it was.
lol... but I'm glad that you didn't say that I wrote it that way.
The images are conjured vividly and the stronger opening helps. The ending was a bit of a letdown as I got the impression throughout that this was going to be a chilled out poem about driving around in the elements and in the end i think you xcranked the gears and spun out out control (pardon the cheesy pun).
If you made this about six or so lines shorter it could be a really cool piece. Dont get me wrong its good, worth a 7 or 8 in my opinion but not the finished piece it could be.
Here's an example creating more of a controlled meter, a touch of metaphor yet retaining what you implied in the original.
If you want to change the following stanzas give it a go, the flow and line meter alone can do wonders to the readability and general impresson a poem can give. You have the whimsical vibe and portray things nice enough its just the control you kinda lose. sitting at the wheel. rain clouds storm heaven trees arch like a whores back, with electric veins and drums Heâs there in my vehicle an observant kindly instructor, Watching my every move, eyes fixed on the road he commands⦠âLeft indicator, brakes a little, clutch and first gear, move on slowly⦠hump ahead press the clutch and shift to two, accelerate a bit, if youâre confident, shift your gears to three and speed onâ. And so I do. I shift to the fourth, speed away, ever confident that I know it all and forgets heâs there. The thrill of being in control envelopes my senses. Iâm transferred to a world of my own, till I come to a junction; the rainâs pouring down and I donât know how to stop, when he suddenly presses the brakes.. and then I realize heâs got the controls on his side too, and Iâm saved in the nick of time. Lord, how could I forget Youâre in control of my life? Iâm glad you are.
Cadacus... Geeeee thanks. I know that my poem could do with a bit of editing. It's great to get some constructive critisism. Let me see what I can do to modify it accordingly.
Anyhow, Dovina and you have given me pretty good views, which I appreciate. Thanks.
"trees arch like a whores back"-Priceless
Those are some damn sexy trees :-) 306 view(s)
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