I'm Learning To Drive

To those who have read and critiqued this poem...... sorry, but I accidently deleted this poem while trying to edit it.

My comment on the deleted one was a bit snide: “I'm sorry you said, near the end, that the car has dual controls. Up to there I imagined you on his lap in a fine rainy day romp along an Indian lane.”

Striving this time to inflict wounds of a friend, please take a few goddess stabs at an angel:

Trees sway.
The heavens storm.
I’m sitting at the wheel,
driving to drum beats of thunder
while the instructor watches.
‘Left indicator, brake a little,’
he commands…
I clutch and find first gear,
move on slowly… there’s a hump ahead
clutch again and shift to two,
accelerate a bit,
almost confident, I shift to three
and speed on.
I shift to the fourth,
speed away,
confident now, I forget he’s there.
I thrill at being in control,
transferred to a world of my own,
till I come to a junction;
the rain’s pouring,
and I don’t know how to stop.
My instructor suddenly presses
the brakes..
and then I realize
he’s got the controls
on his side too,
and I’m saved in the nick of time.

Lord, how could I forget
You’re in control of my life?

The images are conjured vividly and the stronger opening helps. The ending was a bit of a letdown as I got the impression throughout that this was going to be a chilled out poem about driving around in the elements and in the end i think you xcranked the gears and spun out out control (pardon the cheesy pun).

If you made this about six or so lines shorter it could be a really cool piece.

Dont get me wrong its good, worth a 7 or 8 in my opinion but not the finished piece it could be.

Here's an example creating more of a controlled meter, a touch of metaphor yet retaining what you implied in the original.

If you want to change the following stanzas give it a go, the flow and line meter alone can do wonders to the readability and general impresson a poem can give. You have the whimsical vibe and portray things nice enough its just the control you kinda lose.



sitting at the wheel.
rain clouds storm heaven
trees arch like a whores back,
with electric veins and drums

He’s there in my vehicle
an observant kindly instructor,
Watching my every move,
eyes fixed on the road
he commands…
‘Left indicator,
brakes a little,
clutch and first gear,
move on slowly… hump ahead
press the clutch and shift to two,
accelerate a bit,
if you’re confident, shift your gears to three
and speed on’.
And so I do. I shift to the fourth,
speed away,
ever confident that I know it all
and forgets he’s there.
The thrill of being in control
envelopes my senses.
I’m transferred to a world of my own,
till I come to a junction;
the rain’s pouring down
and I don’t know how to stop,
when he suddenly presses
the brakes..
and then I realize
he’s got the controls
on his side too,
and I’m saved in the nick of time.

Lord, how could I forget
You’re in control of my life?

I’m glad you are.