Caducus21 Jul 2006

Here's an example creating more of a controlled meter, a touch of metaphor yet retaining what you implied in the original.

If you want to change the following stanzas give it a go, the flow and line meter alone can do wonders to the readability and general impresson a poem can give. You have the whimsical vibe and portray things nice enough its just the control you kinda lose.



sitting at the wheel.
rain clouds storm heaven
trees arch like a whores back,
with electric veins and drums

He’s there in my vehicle
an observant kindly instructor,
Watching my every move,
eyes fixed on the road
he commands…
‘Left indicator,
brakes a little,
clutch and first gear,
move on slowly… hump ahead
press the clutch and shift to two,
accelerate a bit,
if you’re confident, shift your gears to three
and speed on’.
And so I do. I shift to the fourth,
speed away,
ever confident that I know it all
and forgets he’s there.
The thrill of being in control
envelopes my senses.
I’m transferred to a world of my own,
till I come to a junction;
the rain’s pouring down
and I don’t know how to stop,
when he suddenly presses
the brakes..
and then I realize
he’s got the controls
on his side too,
and I’m saved in the nick of time.

Lord, how could I forget
You’re in control of my life?

I’m glad you are.