Re: I've thought a lot by MacFrantic	Dovina 12.72.43.226	4-Oct-06/9:39 AM
Yes, I'm hearing you! And seeing through a little more shadow toward what I cannot see. To aim at communication in poetry is to aim too low. To think we know what to aim for is the silliness of a child as seen by an adult. Oh, they will tell you you are telling, not showing. Let them rant. This is good!
Re: a comment on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	Dovina 12.72.43.226	4-Oct-06/9:28 AM
It's much stronger after the edit. I feel, now, that her leading him on is worse than lemon peel pinched in the eye, whereas before I wasn't sure. Something about making it perrsonal brings home the message.
Re: a comment on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	nypoet22 65.2.216.112	3-Oct-06/8:03 PM
i'll think on this. btw, i took another look at your poem about noah.
Re: a comment on Doubt by Dovina	nypoet22 65.2.216.112	3-Oct-06/7:53 PM
what did you intend here? i'm guessing you wanted to discuss the your own sense of doubt through noah's story. if that's the case, i'd suggest completely redoing the first stanza, which is far and away the weakest of the four. give your readers credit for possibly knowing the story of noah already, and use that space to form the question that the final three stanzas answer.
Re: a comment on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Oct-06/7:52 PM
Perhaps end it by saying what the lie was or at least some hint to make the poem personal and less all-encompassing.
Re: a comment on Street Preacher by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Oct-06/7:50 PM
yeah, I think it needs another look. Thanks.
Re: Street Preacher by Dovina	nypoet22 65.2.216.112	3-Oct-06/7:38 PM
the heart of this poem is clever and insightful, but i think it needs a lot of work around the edges. the beginning and end read like what someone might teach in a creative writing class, while the middle, even though you're quoting someone else through most of it, feels by its cadence and arrangement like it truly contains your own voice. the last stanza to me seems unnecessary, trying to spell out details of an emotion that could easily be implied simply by reversing the order of "nailed and forgiven." likewise the first stanza weakens the poem, makes it prosaic by introducing the subject in a story format rather than just jumping right in and adding any necessary details of the setting within the body of the text.
Re: a comment on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	nypoet22 65.2.216.112	3-Oct-06/6:58 PM
good eye. how would it read to you if i just eliminated the whole segment in-between "pinched in the eye" and the final stanza. it's sort-of an eyesore anyway (pardon the pun). right now that's the best idea i can come up with, but other ideas are welcome.
Re: a comment on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	nypoet22 65.2.216.112	3-Oct-06/6:52 PM
hm, that strophe does seem to be a weakness. i'll have to think about how i might begin to concoct a remedy.
Re: a comment on Wyndham by Aetius	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Oct-06/6:40 PM
And off we swoon, into the Great Oriental Nothing.
Re: a comment on Wyndham by Aetius	Aetius 216.254.9.2	3-Oct-06/6:23 PM
PoemRanker is a Zen exercise for me. I post here in order to post here.
Re: untitled by harryparatestes	Fugazi 172.189.246.92	3-Oct-06/2:39 PM
Intersting .. A couple of things that contradict, which has been pointed out already. Apart from that I think its pretty darn good. Could be the start (or end) of a longer piece and I'd like to see you expand onthe theme.
Re: a comment on Street Preacher by Dovina	some deleted user 171.69.120.101	3-Oct-06/10:14 AM
Thanks Dovina !
Re: a comment on The Natural Course of Fear by half.italian	dvincent 71.109.114.41	3-Oct-06/8:01 AM
I see what you were after and you're close. The firt line starts it off great. I remember a poem by Leanord Cohen in which there was a line describing a positive sensation as "...singing in the wires of my spine". This is something like you're after with the skeins, but in your case in a negetive way. Dig for some other word/phrase choices on this. "crawling" under the skin? "Inching" Not sure. poem is a good example of how important every singel word is.
Re: a comment on Street Preacher by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Oct-06/7:47 AM
Yes, if we could figure it all out, we would be like God. Of course, some people already have, and they have the greater faith. The rest of us rely on hope. Welcome to Poemranker.
Re: untitled by harryparatestes	harryparatestes 64.136.27.225	3-Oct-06/4:34 AM
im not a poet really i have never even read a real poem i just like to write and i hoped people would enjoy it thanks for your comments!!!
Re: Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	Ranger 62.252.32.15	3-Oct-06/2:15 AM
Neat, very astute too. A bit awkward at 'that lemon was loaded' - Led Zeppelin connotations there take it in a different direction to what I think you mean. I doubt many other people will see it in the same way though.
Re: a comment on Street Preacher by Dovina	some deleted user 67.161.32.10	2-Oct-06/8:34 PM
If we could figure it ALL by ourselves ,Hope would lose its meaning !
Re: Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	Dovina 70.38.78.229	2-Oct-06/4:00 PM
I like this down through "pinched in the eye." Then it loses momentum. Maybe lose "at her direction." And "was mild" is, well, mild. Otherwise good.
Re: Wyndham by Aetius	pete 195.92.168.164	2-Oct-06/3:54 PM
works well as a childs poem and i quite liked it; but if you're not here for comments or votes may i enquire why you are here?