Re: a comment on Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew	darylchew 218.186.8.13	28-May-07/7:28 AM
ha, when was poetry ever necessary?
Re: Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	28-May-07/7:25 AM
the first line is completely unnecessary. the rest needs tightening of language.
Re: The Plea of the Beneathednessified (New poetry scheme!) by Enkidu	darylchew 218.186.8.13	28-May-07/7:15 AM
some E. E. Cummings in this one ha
Re: Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap	darylchew 218.186.8.13	28-May-07/7:09 AM
nice, lots of emotion in this one. i've always liked villanelles.
Re: a comment on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	richa 85.210.15.203	27-May-07/2:37 PM
It is more that you don't see anything wrong in phrasing such as 'bovine eyes look up from munching' and 'as alcohol so legs draw concentration' and 'rebuke arose'. I find the suggestion about articles rather interesting so I have a couple of suggestions. On country road in mid-Virginia (no need for a) the cyclist pulls up another hill (the cyclist does not pull another hill). The use of the 'the' here (definite article) places the cyclist at the centre of the poem, he is not just a cyclist. Past the house with mammoth lawn. The use of 'the' here specifies that the house is a landmark rather than just any house with big lawn. Btw visual' input does not soothe tired eyes. Next verse 'the cows look up, again the cows are central to the poem and bovine eyes sounds wretched. Free from fence and milking sounds terribly clunky. What is wrong with she pants (UP) a lonely hill instead of lying in the shade. N.B. Anthropomorphism is dodgy at the best of times but even if we attribute thoughts to the cow why would it assume from seeing a human cycle up a hill that she was 'free from milking' and also from their perspective you are behind a fence too. Next how about the cows rebuked (it is a daft idea but each to their own) at least then we have specified who does the rebuking and who is being rebuked. I would say in the alcohol of afternoon then you have a metaphor for the weariness and blurriness. As it stands it reads that legs draw concentration like alcohol draws concentration
Re: a comment on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	Dovina 12.74.103.42	26-May-07/2:52 PM
Groan! I never noticed the alphatization you find so appalling. To me, the “a”’s just roll by unnoticed. Yes, please do write an article about this. It’s these subtle unnoticed quirks of mine that irk people in the strangest ways. I love to irk, but on my own terms. Thanks for once again pointing out a sound-defect in my work. They easily escape me.
Re: The Ascent by somemorepoetry	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	26-May-07/12:50 PM
don't ditch your language use, just add a few more specific details to complete the image.
Re: Ode to Jack by Skamper	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	26-May-07/12:48 PM
chained in their vanity? i don't think that phrase works where it is. otherwise clever and thought-provoking. I like the rhythm.
Re: Glossary without an index by daniella	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	26-May-07/12:16 PM
you have some beautiful imagery in this, but there are also some atrocious phrasing choices and grammatical errors that interrupt your flow. final stanza is superb. this could be SO much better with a little proofreading.
Re: Fighting For Peace (is like) by Skamper	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	26-May-07/12:01 PM
Fire starter/ Oil for barter - great line!
Re: hopscotch rocks by FreeFormFixation	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	26-May-07/11:57 AM
breath of fresh air is cliche. so is live in the now. other than those blips, this is an evocative series of images.
Re: C. by skaskowski	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	26-May-07/11:54 AM
i liked, "A spider-web like music staff/ crawled across your safety glass." I'm not sure how this all relates to a central theme, though it seems to be describing some aspect of an automobile accident. i don't like "a raving hypocrite" or "a rampart of regrets" - i understand why they're there, but i'd say those moments of reflection interrupt the flow you've developed in the rest of the poem.
Re: surgical spite by calliope	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	26-May-07/11:50 AM
i'd be curious to hear the music to this.
Re: a comment on 1945 by nypoet22	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	26-May-07/11:49 AM
whoops, deleted my reply by accident. the satchel was historically used by everybody, but especially frequently by Jews ever since the middle-ages. Since the middle-ages, Jews in Europe always had to be ready to grab their satchels at a moment's notice. You never knew when some peasant uprising or the whims of some nobility or church official would suddenly expel them from their homes with nothing but a couple books, some clothes, and what few valuables they might be able to carry. Thus, in spite of the extraordinary circumstances of the holocaust, it was completely natural afterwards to pick yourself up if you could, grab a satchel and start walking. In their case, mostly away from central Europe, to the West, the USSR, South America or Israel.
Re: a comment on Ode to Jack by Skamper	Ranger 81.103.124.179	26-May-07/11:11 AM
I'm assuming from the title that this is an ode, at least in some sense. It could do with some meter. But if you don't want to stick to a strict system, use internal rhymes or mid-line rhymes to give it a subtle kick along. There's nothing wrong with editing a poem, it makes it no less valid as a spontaneous thought, and it makes it much better as poetry (usually).
Re: a comment on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	Ranger 81.103.124.179	26-May-07/11:05 AM
a country road a cyclist a house a dairy barn -all within the first four lines. It leaves me alphatised, not that alphatised is a word. Apparently there's a book devoted to Auden's use of the definite article, one day I will write one about your use of the indefinite article. Or maybe it won't be a book, maybe just an article. Okay, groan away.
Re: a comment on Ode to Jack by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.130.139	24-May-07/11:27 PM
I thought there was some, and alliteration, and assonances. I confess to not editing this at all. I would appreciate any input given, if you can see where this needs work let me know pls. With that said I don't want to lose the 'feel' of lamenting spontaniously about the lack of true poetry.
Re: The wreck of a Memphis-Atlanta Greyhound by zodiac	Ranger 81.103.124.179	24-May-07/2:05 PM
Good grief, how have I missed this until now?
Re: a comment on 1945 by nypoet22	Dovina 67.141.53.90	24-May-07/11:08 AM
If there is a heaven for homosexuals, which doesn’t seem very likely for Stephen Robins, it will be very poorly lit and full of people he can feel pretty confident he will never have to meet again. It is only partly because he is ashamed of himself and wishes to remain unrecognized that this environment seems so desirable. The chief reason is that it makes possible contacts of astounding physical intimacy without the intervention of personality. To either partner the other is garlanded with fantasies.
Re: a comment on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	Dovina 67.141.53.90	24-May-07/10:10 AM
Line 3 should prolly be "a dairy barn behind." "instead of lying in the shade," could lose the article, but darn, I need it for rhythm. ok, I'll dump "the" from "wrestling with the norms," Like it better now?