Re: Rolling Bells by MacFrantic	Skamper 202.6.128.86	31-May-07/9:07 AM
molesting - dragging - torturing, and all things associated with the living...so visual here. Still not entirely sure this has clicked in its meaning with me, but I get lost in the movement within.
Re: The world's shortest poem by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	30-May-07/9:55 AM
just to counterbalance Edna's vote.
Re: C. by skaskowski	half.italian 76.172.249.205	29-May-07/8:24 PM
The imagery and flow is magnificent. I agree with nypoet however that the self reflection stanzas should be entirely cut. They detroy everything that you build before. Keep stanzas 1,2,3,7,8,9,10 and leave the rest unchanged.
Re: Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew	Skamper 202.6.128.2	29-May-07/6:07 AM
(I'm sorry, that seat is taken.) great line - work back from there and shorten your sentences - pull it all in tight and the image will just pop...
Re: surgical spite by calliope	Skamper 202.6.128.2	29-May-07/5:55 AM
I get the feel of emo - but the cuz in the last line doesn't fit with the rest of the write. You could lose it and keep with the darkness, it lightens the write too much - almost childish.
Re: C. by skaskowski	Skamper 202.6.128.2	29-May-07/5:52 AM
"I watched your sideview-mirror split into a thousand glassy pieces, like the sparkly spray from sneezing in the sunlight." My fav description - and like these lines, movement and colour follows in every thing you've written.
Re: a comment on Fighting For Peace (is like) by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.128.2	29-May-07/5:40 AM
sometimes you just hit it...thanx
Re: a comment on Ode to Jack by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.128.2	29-May-07/5:37 AM
Well kind of an ode, only in the sense it's a dedication I guess. I know what your saying with internal rhymes giving a kick and work the flow...I will work on this, when I get over myself...a week or so should do it...
Re: a comment on Ode to Jack by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.128.2	29-May-07/5:34 AM
thanks..."chained in their vanity" - hmmm...I can see it working in my head...wanna look? Can't explain it any other way, maybe except to say that most poets refuse to learn, thinking what they write is as vivid as van gogh's Irises, when in reality they dabble with fingerpaint...*shrugs*
Re: a comment on Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew	darylchew 218.186.8.13	28-May-07/9:41 AM
the poem is about death and loss and how a person copes
Re: C. by skaskowski	Dovina 12.74.103.30	28-May-07/9:32 AM
Seems like some graphic image written in C++. Otherwise, what is the title about?
Re: Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew	Dovina 12.74.103.30	28-May-07/9:28 AM
numb with self-denial - doesn't show much. And it tries to tell something, but what?
Re: a comment on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	Dovina 12.74.103.30	28-May-07/9:23 AM
“’Bovine eyes’ sounds wretched.” I used “bovine” to avoid what I thought was the wretched sound of “cows.” Maybe I made it wretcheder. “’Free from fence and milking’ sounds terribly clunky.” I admit to often sounding clunky. The sound of poems is a thing I’m working on. “What is wrong with she pants (UP) a lonely hill instead of lying in the shade.” That’s a good suggestion; better than the way I had it. I don’t like “up” though – sounds clunky. I’ll change it to ‘she pants a lonely hill / instead of lying in the shade.’ “Anthropomorphism is dodgy at the best of times but even if we attribute thoughts to the cow, why would it assume from seeing a human cycle up a hill that she was 'free from milking'” Those bovine eyes stare at me with the provincial look of someone who always lives by the norms and never ventures. Such a person complains about the milking tubes her owner attaches to her tits twice a day and about the fence that holds her in, but she never really wants it any other way, because that’s how dairy cows live. “From their perspective you are behind a fence too.” From their perspective, I am free from the fence, which they know every inch of. “The cows rebuked” Maybe I didn’t make it clear, but the cows are not rebuking, the cyclist is. She preaches to the cows - a daft idea, perhaps, but each to their own. “I would say in the alcohol of afternoon, then you have a metaphor for the weariness and blurriness. As it stands it reads that legs draw concentration like alcohol draws concentration.” Actually, that is what I mean. Working legs draw blood from the brain, which in the weariness of afternoon, after cycling most of the day, has an effect on the brain similar to drunkenness. Still, I like the way you phrase it. I’ll change it to “In the alcohol of afternoon, / legs draw concentration,” Thanks for your comments.
Re: a comment on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	Dovina 12.74.103.30	28-May-07/9:23 AM
I also find the discussion about articles interesting. I’ll take your comments one at a time: “On country road in mid-Virginia” Maybe it’s an American preference, but I think “a” shows that it could be any country road, where no article implies some particular road called “country.” “The cyclist pulls up another hill” You are right in saying that the cyclist is a particular person and that she does not pull a hill, but rather ascends it or pulls up it. The cyclist is, as you say, at the center of the poem, so on that basis I could agree that “the” should be used. You say that she is “not just a cyclist,” but really she is. I want to show her as nothing great or worthy of separation from other cyclists. “Past the house with mammoth lawn. The use of 'the' here specifies that the house is a landmark rather than just any house with big lawn.” But really it is just another house with a big lawn. The country people of Virginia take pride in their lawns. Sometimes I pass a run-down house trailer with three acres of mowed grass and a fine garden. “Visual input does not soothe tired eyes.” I often find the opposite to be true when cycling. The sight of a well-kept dairy farm soothes the strain on my eyes that has come from staring on the road, avoiding death by coal truck or passing car. “the cows look up,” Here I agree that the cows are almost as central to the poem as the cyclist, but they are not particular cows, and therefore the definite article “the” seems inappropriate.
Re: a comment on Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew	darylchew 218.186.8.13	28-May-07/7:58 AM
alright! got that line off bridge to terabithia, sort of a reply to the movie.
Re: a comment on Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	28-May-07/7:56 AM
poor word choice by me. i meant it was cliche and the rest of the poem would be better off without it.
Re: The boomerang holiday by INTRANSIT	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	28-May-07/7:53 AM
as if were? erstwhile kelp? some of these choices of phrase need rethinking.
Re: The Wingman by John Rambo	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	28-May-07/7:50 AM
does this contain a note of regret?
Re: Altitude by half.italian	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	28-May-07/7:49 AM
the last stanza should be split into two lines. i like the ending, but for it to have the impact i think you want, you have to introduce the coil image earlier. 'intricate architecture' could be improved upon to tie the beginning and end together.
Re: garden spite by skaskowski	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	28-May-07/7:43 AM
for awhile i thought this was about new jersey - the garden state... but yes, the first two lines seem unnecessary.