richa
on Colin's thoughts by colin douglas's arse
24 Aug 2007, 1:18 PM
are you gay too.
I like the way the words sound. Does he have to be illiterate it seems a bit of a cheap jibe.
Not keen on the final line but this is good. I like how a little story is interweaved into the poem.
I like the whole package, don't listen to the theist sheep.
I like the last line; their scents are a cliche in themselves, pre-packaged and all, and I like that you refused to acknowledge their other scent ingredients. How cliche is it,really, when perhaps 25% of the population use those products? When is it cliche, and when is it just statistically accurate?
I like the disorganization, and think it could be more pronounced so you'd not have to reveal the diagnosis of schizophrenia twice.
I like your wordplay around lines 9-10, but those words don't really mean all that much to me.
You use some unusual words: devotement (devotion, perhaps); devout as a noun (but it works); redounded (a more common word might do better). Overall, it's a novel thing and therefore good.
Enjamb if you want to, but I think a period is needed after flickering. Perhaps a title about subject matter; I know it's a film, but does that really matter? I think the second verse is better than the first because of the nebulous fascist reference.
The last line tells us. How about if the park were too quiet, or some intimation of.
I'm assuming there's barf involved here. I'd invert lines one and three.
way too forward. turn the volume down.
Again, this tells us. Tone it down, put some camoflage in it. Just a little can work wonders.
Last minute suggestion. Use the coloration of the birds themselves more.
Yeah, we know.
You could have made the cat your "ruling planet" to spice it up a bit. Try again.
Over technical. Becomes bean shaped. I'm sure there's more to work with here. Lose the ass. it's just childish. I like that you chose a tick.
Gang members don't do this all the time. Did you fix the second line? Seems not. How do you know they don't like the lashings?
Again, invert the first and the third. Or start over entirely.
The thinker.
Nailed.
Progress