regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
24-Aug-07/6:43 AM |
I've been to this poem twice now. I'll give it a third in a few days.
|
|
|
 |
regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
24-Aug-07/6:45 AM |
I think you could lose the comma. I know you can do better.
|
|
|
 |
regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
24-Aug-07/6:48 AM |
Curveball. A little too forward, I think. I like the ingredients
|
|
|
 |
Re: The Raw Vegan Potluck by peaceseeker |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
24-Aug-07/7:00 AM |
I get to use my favorite suggestion. Put it in the blender and hit frappe. It comes across a little too list-like. Blend the people with the foods a bit. There's much to work with here. Please revise.
|
|
|
 |
Re: Some things marinate, others poison by MacFrantic |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
24-Aug-07/7:02 AM |
chaos is much too good for me? ok then.
|
|
|
 |
regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
24-Aug-07/8:22 AM |
I almost missed this. It's a bit list-like.( I have the same problem) If you go through and cut as many, well, look at the left column of words and then blend the sentences more. Man, theres so much here to work with and I wanna rewrite it to help(I won't). I don't know where to begin. 6. I really want to see a revision.
|
|
|
 |
Re: Church Propagation by Dovina |
richa 85.210.180.87 |
24-Aug-07/1:07 PM |
As a christian I am mildly piqued but as a logophile I am mortally offended.:(
|
|
|
 |
Re: Church Propagation by Dovina |
richa 85.210.180.87 |
24-Aug-07/1:15 PM |
I feel you are not critical enough of your own ungodliness. Is religious devotion really a consequence of a truth being 'forgotten' or do the religious search for a truth that was never reachable through non devotion. 'Wisdom wanes cleverness and knowledge shines' I find intriguing although I can not be sure whether you see wisdom waning as a loss that leads to the undeserved precedence of knowledge or that you see something wrong with wisdom that stands in the way of knowledge. In the final couplet chaos can be interpreted as the lack of a truth the predominance of relativism and cynicism that values nothing and that the new church can be a good thing. I don't think you meant that though. The poem sounds good anyway. It is a shame some of the words didn't have different meanings.
|
|
|
 |
Re: Colin's thoughts by colin douglas's arse |
richa 85.210.180.87 |
24-Aug-07/1:18 PM |
|
 |
Re: The Buiness Card by abecedarian |
richa 85.210.180.87 |
24-Aug-07/1:24 PM |
I like the way the words sound. Does he have to be illiterate it seems a bit of a cheap jibe.
|
|
|
 |
Re: Sylvania Wilderness by jessicazee |
richa 85.210.180.87 |
24-Aug-07/1:26 PM |
Not keen on the final line but this is good. I like how a little story is interweaved into the poem.
|
|
|
 |
Re: Church Propagation by Dovina |
http://mulberryfairy 207.5.159.9 |
24-Aug-07/2:48 PM |
I like the whole package, don't listen to the theist sheep.
|
|
|
 |
Re: Sylvania Wilderness by jessicazee |
http://mulberryfairy 207.5.159.9 |
24-Aug-07/3:09 PM |
I like the last line; their scents are a cliche in themselves, pre-packaged and all, and I like that you refused to acknowledge their other scent ingredients. How cliche is it,really, when perhaps 25% of the population use those products? When is it cliche, and when is it just statistically accurate?
|
|
|
 |
regarding some deleted poem... |
http://mulberryfairy 207.5.159.9 |
24-Aug-07/3:14 PM |
I like the disorganization, and think it could be more pronounced so you'd not have to reveal the diagnosis of schizophrenia twice.
I like your wordplay around lines 9-10, but those words don't really mean all that much to me.
|
|
|
 |
Re: Passive Birth Control by http://mulberryfairy |
Dovina 12.173.121.144 |
24-Aug-07/3:30 PM |
You use some unusual words: devotement (devotion, perhaps); devout as a noun (but it works); redounded (a more common word might do better). Overall, it's a novel thing and therefore good.
|
|
|
 |
Re: Foreign film by richa |
Dovina 12.173.121.144 |
24-Aug-07/3:37 PM |
Enjamb if you want to, but I think a period is needed after flickering. Perhaps a title about subject matter; I know it's a film, but does that really matter? I think the second verse is better than the first because of the nebulous fascist reference.
|
|
|
 |
regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
25-Aug-07/6:06 AM |
The last line tells us. How about if the park were too quiet, or some intimation of.
|
|
|
 |
regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
25-Aug-07/6:07 AM |
I'm assuming there's barf involved here. I'd invert lines one and three.
|
|
|
 |
regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
25-Aug-07/6:08 AM |
way too forward. turn the volume down.
|
|
|
 |
regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204 |
25-Aug-07/6:12 AM |
Again, this tells us. Tone it down, put some camoflage in it. Just a little can work wonders.
Last minute suggestion. Use the coloration of the birds themselves more.
|
|
|
 |