edpeterson
on some deleted poem
25 Oct 2004, 7:02 PM
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek
eleven
An absolutely wonderful treatise on the war.
You'll probably hate me for this, or think I'm prude:
(fucking) change it? and (gleams) I believe to be too trite for this poem. I have no beef with anything else here or on your other poem. If I haven't said it before, "take your ace poems and get outta here".
10
Err, I think it should be ice cream and not ice scream?
This is one of those times when a simple idea just works. You stayed away from the hard rhyme and that helps it because you wanted a warm feeling. Excellent.
A hard rhyme would have made it feel forced or technical or rigid. Bring on part the deuce!!
Just stopped by to return the favor. If it's any consolation I don't care for your collection of meaningless shit than you do for mine, but I don't take the time to log in to my multiple personalities
and give you more than one score. Just one, from me.
I have seen a few things in your words that have made me stop to think, but you aren't running a really good race in life. I'm not a psycologist, but if you are really the way you are, you need one. he he heee...
I like it!
I agree with Mr.I A simple idea warmly written. I've tried to hear the music behind the lyric and keep getting caught at
"Still, there's a peace,
Felt by all who come
To stand beside the fireplace,
And somehow feel at home."
Is this the refrain or the chorus? All the other verses flow with the mekody I've assigned to it in my "mind's ear.'
I liked Ike but not as much as I like your poem.
If it were an option, I'd vote for E. Coli.
From an outhouse at a campground long ago. Not original.
If you want to post a new poem, please do so. But when you pose a new poem as a revision of an old poem, the old comments look crazy.
The first two lines say almost nothing. They set a dull pace which does not improve very much.
The commas are mostly not right. This is not really a poem, but a statement in prose, a missive.
Some good thoughts here, but lack of precision detracts. In verse 1, beauty does not make things like homes. In vers 2, "and this the state i've found you" doesn't add anything. Verse 3 is good. In Verse 4, "How time has shown it's presence" lacks meaning.. . .
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
25 Oct 2004, 5:10 PM
Beautifully put...makes me homesick for the home I have never known...