Skamper
on Stringed by thetrev
26 Nov 2007, 5:49 PM
OH! this is weird, I like what each line and verse is saying but find the overall connection escaping me.
Agree with INTRANSIT...the first half needs trimming and shorter lines, defining breaks with lines rather than commas. I don't enjoy too many directions when I read, so it could just be me. :)
Nicely portrayed - the one-way relationship, never to be relayed any other way.
Line 9. sectet? dic.com couldn't find it.
No smoothing! I like this with its internal rhymes, the tripping rhythm, the abrupt caesurae. Stops you getting too comfortable, just like the barmaid.
Klaxon. Great word. Could you say- boy or girl in roiling- ? Or is this a specific person. You?
pov stands for point of view, skamper.
It has a good rhythm and a good subtle message. Would be nice if the Word 2 pattern continued: little, quiet, secret, . . . rain/sane rhyme seems a bit forced. Verse 2 is my favorite. The last line is disappointing and vague, seems unsupported.
I like it a lot. Would scratch the parentheses and the colon though.
The last verse is quite good I think. It's the summation of most complaints. But we all know that "just and even" never happens.
Scratch the "and" in Verse 1. I like "quarterback of the linear team." Space after the comma in Verse 3. Last line is provocative.
I wish I could understand this, but the language is out of my reach. :(
the sound effects make it an infant thing - don't know if that's intentional. It's wasted on me, that's for sure.
I like the cat though. prrrr prrrrrrrrrrr
While freestrolling through comments here and there, I read a line of yours, going something like: did I see you in Kansas, staring at daisies?
Maybe you should try to write more by accident - this is one big deliberate bulk.
Again,I must say. Well done!
This should be in the top ten
Not bad, good imagery, puts me there in the conductor chair (?)... but leaves me a little confused about why I'm reading this.
I'm sorry for the shabby rating
but this poem is just not my thing
Good rhyming, and I guess form counts for something.
So what you're saying is that God looks down on the brightest of humans like we look down on rotary telephones?
Sounds like a country song, I hate country songs.