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Missing - You (Free verse) by Skamper a little out of breath
a little far from sane
closer to the stage
farther from the rain
a quiet corner weeps
a quiet whisper sighs
closer to the grave
farther from the lies
a secret life is lived
a secret smile is asked
farther from the play
closer to the act
in dimming of the lights
in closing of the door
your shadow will remain
I always wanted more
Up the ladder:
Lifes work
Down the ladder:
Before Dawn
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 9.0
Posted: November 26, 2007 5:19 PM PST; Last modified: November 26, 2007 10:34 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.476812 Overall Rank: 2820 Comments:
It has a good rhythm and a good subtle message. Would be nice if the Word 2 pattern continued: little, quiet, secret, . . . rain/sane rhyme seems a bit forced. Verse 2 is my favorite. The last line is disappointing and vague, seems unsupported.
Iv'e been messing about with this one Dovina, to get the last stanza working as I see it, to no avail. I might leave it for a bit and see if anything shows up later. The rain/sane has bearing though - we are both a little unstable and we met in the rain...ah! so romantic, a couple of soggy fruit loops :)
Nice flow.
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no matter how many times you read and re-read to make sure its all OK, sometimes a typo so obvious just fails to be noticed. Must be the mind telling the eye it's wrong...many thanks.
I'm only trying to find ways to improve this- if that is even possible. I think it pretty much does what it's supposed to.