Dovina
on A Dear John by misheila
16 Jan 2005, 6:48 AM
I don't like this one nearly as well as your other. This seems written out of anger without close attention to craft. It's a whiny poem. And double-spacing doesn't help, nor do the lack of a spaces after commas.
Good meter and rhyme, but the message is overstated. Lines like "I can become Anything I want to be" don't cut it, not in my world. I hear what you're saying, but please keep it real.
The first verse is good. If only the rest followed. Did you have a nervous breakdown midway in the writing?
I thought the last stanza could have been different from the second stanza, but it's still nice. :)
Overstated but real as a cheeseburger and a milkshake-9-.
P.K. Dick lives!
I have no comments about form or anything that the usual person would post.I just think it will be a good song.Good luck with the band and keep writing lyrics like the ones you've shared here.I gave you a 9
nice.....i like the ham part..........and the theme is good.......though i feel you go on just a tad longer than what is most effectiv...........
-mega
nice....just a tad preachy though
i thought this was a really funny poem :) good job
Do you really think Hollywood is that fake?
They named Hollywood after what they thought was holly. It was not holly, but a look-alike, the toyan bush, which also has red berries at Christmas time. Hollywood's been a fake ever since. And use spellcheck!
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
16 Jan 2005, 6:13 PM
You are a true poet. LOL!!!!!!
pathetic
Despite being a suicide/death poem (something too often done and done badly) this has an unusual angle in that it's a post mortem - and I like that.
What I don't like is that there are opportunities missed for some potentially nice descriptive bits: night, fog, cemetary gates. Instead you just blurt them out like a noob.
Maybe loose the whole first stanza so the reader isn't immediately disappointed right off the bat.
What a terrible father you must have! Quite well written and convincing. Too much punctuation. The title - why only you?
an interesting idea, this. But I thinks it's a bit overdialoged - distracting.
And the warrior angle could be clarified too, prolly.
But really, a cool thing.
Grammar!
Pretty funny, really. I hate clever shit I never thought of.
This might be tough to read out-loud though...
"Now you see," but how so? You imply consciousness after suicide death. Better to say the killer is gone and knows nothing. vote-7 only because it's well written.