Stephen Robins
on We Have Nothing to Talk About by jessicazee
3 Mar 2005, 6:35 AM
Gritty.
Filth
Very dull
Several blind monkeys randomly choosing words from a revolving wheel upon which words had been arbitrarily arrayed would probably blanch if they ever managed to choose such confused dross as "Now watched me dangling as I struggled to breathe". You smelly virgin.
Love/Above List http://jowls.org/cgi-bin/wiki/wiki.pl?Po
By all accounts, Black mothers are ace. The same cannot be said of Black fathers, who seem to get a lot of bad press. "The majority of African American children live in homes without their fathers." Similar parps ring true in the Afro Carribean community in Britain. Three questions pull down their trousers and vault out of all this muss: Who is responsible? What can be done about it? And who on Earth is going to put it into action?
Is gayness a systemic problem in the Marines? Or are they merely blighted by a few bad eggs? The omelette that is homosexualism is rotten indeed, and like all rotten omelettes it spreads, planting new omelette seeds wherever its omelette legs may carry it. Make no mistake: omelettism is more than just a pertinent analogy, it's a fact of life. All that's left is for us to ask ourselves, "How do we stamp out a breeding omelette?" Simple. We place it in the middle of The Bible, and slam the book shut. Case closed. Omelette absorbed. -10-
You are at your best when you do the math. The feeling I get from this poem is âEnnui and TV.â
Interesting view.
A Parliment Of Shit.
Contrived crap
This is a lot of fun.
..."in the paddleboat of our endless love"
Eat healthfully? If you really believe advertising is some great contradiction because some people want you to spent your money on their tat and not someone else's but that someone else wants the opposite then I would at least suggest portraying these people asking you to be fat or to 'eat healthfully'. And what is the spacing all about, 44 words on 31 lines!
Awful.
Good. I think you could make it stronger by cutting a few words -
"trance" - 3 adjectives in a row. And a line break after "secrets."
"so" in line 7
A very common sentiment expressed -- very -- tritely. Considering that you're working with a sentiment most have experienced to some degree, your primary concern is not in endowing the reader with an understanding of it, but rather in the poeticizing of it. If you want to continue writing poetry, I suggest you experiment with the potential of poetic language: for instance, as an exercise, you might try writing this poem several different ways, each time using different imagery and metaphors. At the same time, however, retain the clearness of expression that you already seem to possess; as it stands, your poetry is more like banal prose. Avoid trite phraseology or word choices like: "once there was a time", "happy", "smile", "cry more than smile", "sorrow I feel is strong", "stranger", "nowhere to belong", "I wish", "sang me that song", "I'm empty", etc. Let your language off its leash! The opposite of banality is novelty, so seek to be novel -- but be sure to still communicate clearly. Then you will make progress.
Scrap the first stanza, albeit with my fair regards- the rest I be liking. 8.9
Line 3 is too wordy - still I think this has potential - also, consider omitting the "inspired by" addition - it just takes away from your creation. we're all inspired by things - that's what the definition of "poet" is. Let your poem reflect that inspiration, with hopes it inspires another.