Re: The Universe by durr_T_hip_E	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 82.39.21.223	22-Mar-05/3:54 PM
This looks like the output of an angsty Markov chain generator. Stop writing.
Re: The Game of Categories by jessicazee	jessicazee 64.12.116.135	22-Mar-05/11:04 PM
This poem sucks ass, I wrote it and had no edits, sorry you even read far enough to see this comment. I am ashamed. D'oh.
Re: Cold Turkey by johnnyfontaine23	jessicazee 64.12.116.135	22-Mar-05/11:06 PM
Make this a prose poem and it will rock, after you add a few more lines. Potential.
Re: The conflict begin by luzrheroguy	jessicazee 64.12.116.135	22-Mar-05/11:09 PM
Third stanza is rocking me...First one, line 4 almost stopped me from going on...try to keep the contractions to a minimum. Also, the title's grammatical problem needs to be addressed. Nonetheless, I still like it. 7.5.
Re: Tribulations of the ear and eye by oneglove	jessicazee 64.12.116.135	22-Mar-05/11:13 PM
Dude, this is a good story. And I hardly ever call anyone dude. A suggestion: keep the format, but punctuate everything if you are going to use quotes. Make it more like a dialogue in a story, with periods and commas. It will be easier to understand. 8.7.
Re: Reasonably Good by Dovina	jessicazee 64.12.116.135	23-Mar-05/12:05 AM
Get rid of the spaces between stanzas--what is space anyway but the thing that separates us? I'm drunk, I like this, 9.3.
Re: Paris 1941-63 by Mister Cakes	Art Glocken 212.56.97.238	23-Mar-05/4:44 AM
Top bombing.
Re: Cold Turkey by johnnyfontaine23	Art Glocken 212.56.97.238	23-Mar-05/4:46 AM
not sure about the injected line...but i understand where your coming from....mmmm turkey.
Re: Cold Turkey by johnnyfontaine23	Art Glocken 212.56.97.238	23-Mar-05/4:46 AM
not sure about the injected line...but i understand where your coming from....mmmm turkey.
Re: The Universe by durr_T_hip_E	edpeterson 68.79.58.40	23-Mar-05/8:15 AM
sausage salami juice cointreau salsa peas jenny jones
Re: The Universe by durr_T_hip_E	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	23-Mar-05/8:33 AM
Awesome - put the word shit in front of every word and you have it.
regarding some deleted poem...	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	23-Mar-05/8:37 AM
One vote from CLS of a -10- , I could not have encapsulated this poemes failure any better.
Re: Reasonably Good by Dovina	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	23-Mar-05/8:38 AM
Spunky.
regarding some deleted poem...	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	23-Mar-05/8:41 AM
Have you been following the Schiavo case? You see if you do nothing to persuade people you are not in a permanent vegative state someone will remove your food pipe.
Re: The conflict begin by luzrheroguy	durr_T_hip_E 68.254.156.173	23-Mar-05/11:35 AM
I like the visual it provides; for me, the picture of a mario type figure saving himself at the last minute by finding the hotel is part amusing, part relieving, part non-sensical, yet, it makes a point with the end. I was given a decent piece of advice by a fellow writer a while back that improved my writing greatly. He said, "Take a week, write nothing of the words, "and, the, are, we, I, me..."" It may be difficult to do with this particular piece, but, the attempt to remove simple pronouns and connectors forces us as writers to seek out more creative ways to communicate ownership and action. I like the poem, there is a great ebb and flow which seems to be trying to leap out of the confines of all those rhythm breaking connectors and pronouns; great job overall though; keep it up. peace, sean
Re: Cold Turkey by johnnyfontaine23	durr_T_hip_E 68.254.156.173	23-Mar-05/11:41 AM
I love it...there's an irony about the title (i would guess this was intentional, and, if so, witty)... great choice of adjectives....simple poem about a simple pleasure in life and very poetic in description...i personally really like the choice of "injected" to symbolize the act of eating, as though it's not really your choice (and it's not!) to eat, it must be injected into you as a prerequisite to survival...your bread is stale even---but you're grateful for the meal you're eating... again...i love it...9...and a 9 only cuz i rarely give out tens (what is perfection anyway?) great poem - keep it up peace, sean
Re: The Game of Categories by jessicazee	durr_T_hip_E 68.254.156.173	23-Mar-05/11:45 AM
LOL...i like it...it's amusing...the rhythm is there...broken at times...especially by the numbered section (it just doesn't flow well)...it's real...very real...in fact...i've played that game...i think; i forget, i was probably drunk. it made me laugh, and that's worth at least a 7 peace, sean
Re: Narnia Apocalypse by Caducus	durr_T_hip_E 68.254.156.173	23-Mar-05/11:58 AM
I like the idea, i can relate to the feelings and emotive qualities of many of the lines...the first 2 stanzas, i think, could use a little tidying up to help the flow...although it's not a big obstruction to flow or comprehension, you might consider revising the first stanza so that the past and present tense are either seperated or made to work together... i like the adjectives in the 3rd and 4th stanzas quite a bet, and especially like the metaphor of the 4th...the 1st and 2nd, again, could use a little more spice in description...(the hair on pillow thing is pretty cliche, I read two poems yesterday with the same exact idea in almost the same exact words) Good piece, i hope it doesn't hurt anymore if you are the I referred to! peace, sean
Re: Vestigial Tail by zodiac	durr_T_hip_E 68.254.156.173	23-Mar-05/12:19 PM
Man you've got me in a pickle...aside from being slightly irritating upon first impression, you have talent as a poet; like all things, it needs work...i can't nitpick word choice as far as adjectives are concerned, unique, creative; the only adjective i'm "iffy" on is "cream," because it can be taken so many ways, based on the rest of the piece; i'm sure you can find something that fits better. the only other thing i would suggest taking a look at are the associations you're attempting to connect, primarily because they're not connected well at all in the piece... i believe i see where you're headed with this and you can turn this into a true ten once you treat the mild case of schizophrenia this piece has; tighten up the associations with your powerful descriptive word choice and it would get a 9 from even me. peace, sean
regarding some deleted poem...	durr_T_hip_E 68.254.156.173	23-Mar-05/12:31 PM
I like it overall...can't really give much feedback besides my most popular piece of advice in poetry lately; try to ixnay some of the "and," "a" "or" "its" and "i's"... the rhythm could be more crisp and clear if those pronouns and connectors were used with a little more care... great work, i like it, tells it like it is.. peace, sean