This looks like the output of an angsty Markov chain generator. Stop writing.

Top bombing.

not sure about the injected line...but i understand where your coming from....mmmm turkey.

not sure about the injected line...but i understand where your coming from....mmmm turkey.

Get rid of the spaces between stanzas--what is space anyway but the thing that separates us? I'm drunk, I like this, 9.3.

This poem sucks ass, I wrote it and had no edits, sorry you even read far enough to see this comment. I am ashamed. D'oh.

Make this a prose poem and it will rock, after you add a few more lines. Potential.

Third stanza is rocking me...First one, line 4 almost stopped me from going on...try to keep the contractions to a minimum. Also, the title's grammatical problem needs to be addressed. Nonetheless, I still like it. 7.5.

Dude, this is a good story. And I hardly ever call anyone dude. A suggestion: keep the format, but punctuate everything if you are going to use quotes. Make it more like a dialogue in a story, with periods and commas. It will be easier to understand. 8.7.

sausage salami juice cointreau salsa peas jenny jones

Awesome - put the word shit in front of every word and you have it.

One vote from CLS of a -10- , I could not have encapsulated this poemes failure any better.

Spunky.

Have you been following the Schiavo case? You see if you do nothing to persuade people you are not in a permanent vegative state someone will remove your food pipe.

I like the visual it provides; for me, the picture of a mario type figure saving himself at the last minute by finding the hotel is part amusing, part relieving, part non-sensical, yet, it makes a point with the end. I was given a decent piece of advice by a fellow writer a while back that improved my writing greatly. He said, "Take a week, write nothing of the words, "and, the, are, we, I, me..."" It may be difficult to do with this particular piece, but, the attempt to remove simple pronouns and connectors forces us as writers to seek out more creative ways to communicate ownership and action. I like the poem, there is a great ebb and flow which seems to be trying to leap out of the confines of all those rhythm breaking connectors and pronouns; great job overall though; keep it up. peace, sean

LOL...i like it...it's amusing...the rhythm is there...broken at times...especially by the numbered section (it just doesn't flow well)...it's real...very real...in fact...i've played that game...i think; i forget, i was probably drunk. it made me laugh, and that's worth at least a 7 peace, sean

I love it...there's an irony about the title (i would guess this was intentional, and, if so, witty)... great choice of adjectives....simple poem about a simple pleasure in life and very poetic in description...i personally really like the choice of "injected" to symbolize the act of eating, as though it's not really your choice (and it's not!) to eat, it must be injected into you as a prerequisite to survival...your bread is stale even---but you're grateful for the meal you're eating... again...i love it...9...and a 9 only cuz i rarely give out tens (what is perfection anyway?) great poem - keep it up peace, sean

I like the idea, i can relate to the feelings and emotive qualities of many of the lines...the first 2 stanzas, i think, could use a little tidying up to help the flow...although it's not a big obstruction to flow or comprehension, you might consider revising the first stanza so that the past and present tense are either seperated or made to work together... i like the adjectives in the 3rd and 4th stanzas quite a bet, and especially like the metaphor of the 4th...the 1st and 2nd, again, could use a little more spice in description...(the hair on pillow thing is pretty cliche, I read two poems yesterday with the same exact idea in almost the same exact words) Good piece, i hope it doesn't hurt anymore if you are the I referred to! peace, sean

Man you've got me in a pickle...aside from being slightly irritating upon first impression, you have talent as a poet; like all things, it needs work...i can't nitpick word choice as far as adjectives are concerned, unique, creative; the only adjective i'm "iffy" on is "cream," because it can be taken so many ways, based on the rest of the piece; i'm sure you can find something that fits better. the only other thing i would suggest taking a look at are the associations you're attempting to connect, primarily because they're not connected well at all in the piece... i believe i see where you're headed with this and you can turn this into a true ten once you treat the mild case of schizophrenia this piece has; tighten up the associations with your powerful descriptive word choice and it would get a 9 from even me. peace, sean

I like it overall...can't really give much feedback besides my most popular piece of advice in poetry lately; try to ixnay some of the "and," "a" "or" "its" and "i's"... the rhythm could be more crisp and clear if those pronouns and connectors were used with a little more care... great work, i like it, tells it like it is.. peace, sean