poemranker ::Tribulations of the ear and eye by oneglove

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Free verse № 122195

Tribulations of the ear and eye

by oneglove

Member since 2004 · Posted 22 Mar 2005 · 4 comments

“Whoa is me” cried the ear “My whole life is pain Only hateful words and dreadful news I will never see the vibrant colors of the fall Or gaze upon a lover’s smile” “Hear my lament” moaned the eye ”My whole life is tragedy Filled with violent scenes and terrible acts I will never listen to a soft melody Or hear those three small words” The ear to the body “I feel no allegiance Your harsh world has stunted and oppressed” And with that he left Said the eye to the body ”I have no loyalty to you You who restricts my life and hinders my potential I will be better on my own” Both ear and eye Soon turned cold Without warmth of body A similar fate for both Atrophied from the world outside Blind and deaf The body survived It’s most important organ still intact A heart still beating Still able to fulfill it’s greatest gift

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mean 7.57 weighted 5.69 rank 1983 views 202 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

4 comments

[8] durr_T_hip_E 22-Mar-05/12:53 PM Reply
Good...very good overall... nice approach; i like how you maintained mystery in meaning until the last few lines. i love the perspective, very creative, unique...and, i love the message.

Here's why you got an 8 instead of a 10...you, are obviously a poet, and a decent one at that; yet, at least in this piece, your eyes and ears are not poets - the propositions within the quotes are the bulk of the foundation, yet, the things that break your rhythm as we read it...my only suggestion, if you were looking for any, would be to play with the things you have the eyes and ears saying to see if you can smooth them in with the rest of the vervish beat.

peace,

sean
[9] Dovina 22-Mar-05/1:08 PM Reply
The eye and ear high-tail it, dissatisfied. Okay, but "atrophied"? maybe "starved.” The “greatest gift” of the heart seems left alone and undeveloped. Maybe it needs a tender helping hand.
[9] jessicazee 22-Mar-05/11:13 PM Reply
Dude, this is a good story. And I hardly ever call anyone dude. A suggestion: keep the format, but punctuate everything if you are going to use quotes. Make it more like a dialogue in a story, with periods and commas. It will be easier to understand. 8.7.
[9] tadpole 23-Mar-05/6:49 PM Reply
That was fun to read!