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Vestigial Tail

Member since 2004 · Posted 23 Mar 2005 · 4 comments

Things we believed as children are all true: we're robots, basement science. Flesh and bone stretched past its present borders once when we were tendriled on an amneotic sea. But slow to learn. Now Girly's laughing, bony hand pressed to her face, says - God, oh you would have to've known, how could you not have known? She shakes like cream. When the truth is, I knew. Bathed in a kitchen sink, my mother dragged soapsuds to shape me: her nose, a father's chin, all secondhand and mentionless (except that keyhole scar - where they wound me while I slept.) So taught my hands to pass it, bound me in a skin. But I was feral once, and snag- toothed prowled my natal landscape like a djinn. Oh, its ghost I feel now - it's waving like a flag.

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4 comments

[6] durr_T_hip_E 23-Mar-05/12:19 PM Reply

Man you've got me in a pickle...aside from being slightly irritating upon first impression, you have talent as a poet; like all things, it needs work...i can't nitpick word choice as far as adjectives are concerned, unique, creative; the only adjective i'm "iffy" on is "cream," because it can be taken so many ways, based on the rest of the piece; i'm sure you can find something that fits better.

the only other thing i would suggest taking a look at are the associations you're attempting to connect, primarily because they're not connected well at all in the piece... i believe i see where you're headed with this and you can turn this into a true ten once you treat the mild case of schizophrenia this piece has; tighten up the associations with your powerful descriptive word choice and it would get a 9 from even me.

peace,

sean

[n/a] Jeremi B. Handrinos › durr_T_hip_E 23-Mar-05/7:43 PM Reply

I think you've been wearing your tin foil hat too close to the microwave again.

[10] edpeterson › durr_T_hip_E 23-Mar-05/8:42 PM Reply

Please explain why you think 'cream' is an adjective.

[n/a] zodiac › durr_T_hip_E 24-Mar-05/4:09 AM Reply

I really meant she shakes like the noun cream - which, I believe, shakes differently from water, juice, or Fanta. Not to mention that it shakes into milkshakes.

Which of the following associations would you guess I'm trying to make:
a) The narrator has just discovered he's gay, or
b) The narrator has just discovered he has an abnormally large circumsized cock?

I have to say, though I'm rooting for b), I suspect a).