durr_T_hip_E23 Mar 2005

Man you've got me in a pickle...aside from being slightly irritating upon first impression, you have talent as a poet; like all things, it needs work...i can't nitpick word choice as far as adjectives are concerned, unique, creative; the only adjective i'm "iffy" on is "cream," because it can be taken so many ways, based on the rest of the piece; i'm sure you can find something that fits better.

the only other thing i would suggest taking a look at are the associations you're attempting to connect, primarily because they're not connected well at all in the piece... i believe i see where you're headed with this and you can turn this into a true ten once you treat the mild case of schizophrenia this piece has; tighten up the associations with your powerful descriptive word choice and it would get a 9 from even me.

peace,

sean