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The conflict begin (Free verse) by luzrheroguy
Throw me through the window, Watch me tumble from these heights, One notion in my head Heroes don't go spat, keep it that way I've got to have something on me To save the day And I will not let myself die, I can't, there is work to be done You wanted me for your own, But I've never been one for long term planning And why should I be, we both know The life I lead is perilous Pulls out nintendo cape, Holds corners and prays The velocity slows, have control Aim for nearest body of slow moving water Decide on a local hotel pool Screams "cannonball", and makes an entrance You almost got me, but not quite I've come home from worse than this You dealt the first blow But this isn't over with The battle isn't done Until either, the hero saves the day or you kill him and tomorrow

Up the ladder: The comma turned coma

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 7.571429
Weighted score: 5.6915636
Overall Rank: 1968
Posted: March 22, 2005 12:16 PM PST; Last modified: March 22, 2005 12:16 PM PST
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Comments:
[7] jessicazee @ 64.12.116.135 | 22-Mar-05/11:09 PM | Reply
Third stanza is rocking me...First one, line 4 almost stopped me from going on...try to keep the contractions to a minimum. Also, the title's grammatical problem needs to be addressed. Nonetheless, I still like it. 7.5.
[6] durr_T_hip_E @ 68.254.156.173 | 23-Mar-05/11:35 AM | Reply
I like the visual it provides; for me, the picture of a mario type figure saving himself at the last minute by finding the hotel is part amusing, part relieving, part non-sensical, yet, it makes a point with the end.

I was given a decent piece of advice by a fellow writer a while back that improved my writing greatly. He said, "Take a week, write nothing of the words, "and, the, are, we, I, me...""

It may be difficult to do with this particular piece, but, the attempt to remove simple pronouns and connectors forces us as writers to seek out more creative ways to communicate ownership and action.

I like the poem, there is a great ebb and flow which seems to be trying to leap out of the confines of all those rhythm breaking connectors and pronouns; great job overall though; keep it up.


peace,

sean
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