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The conflict begin (Free verse) by luzrheroguy Throw me through the window,
Watch me tumble from these heights,
One notion in my head
Heroes don't go spat, keep it that way
I've got to have something on me
To save the day
And I will not let myself die,
I can't, there is work to be done
You wanted me for your own,
But I've never been one for long term planning
And why should I be, we both know
The life I lead is perilous
Pulls out nintendo cape,
Holds corners and prays
The velocity slows, have control
Aim for nearest body of slow moving water
Decide on a local hotel pool
Screams "cannonball", and makes an entrance
You almost got me, but not quite
I've come home from worse than this
You dealt the first blow
But this isn't over with
The battle isn't done
Until either,
the hero saves the day
or you kill him and tomorrow
Up the ladder:
My secret to life
Down the ladder:
dc
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.571429
Posted: March 22, 2005 12:16 PM PST; Last modified: March 22, 2005 12:16 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.6915636 Overall Rank: 1979 Comments:
[7]
jessicazee @ 64.12.116.135
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22-Mar-05/11:09 PM
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Reply
Third stanza is rocking me...First one, line 4 almost stopped me from going on...try to keep the contractions to a minimum. Also, the title's grammatical problem needs to be addressed. Nonetheless, I still like it. 7.5.
I like the visual it provides; for me, the picture of a mario type figure saving himself at the last minute by finding the hotel is part amusing, part relieving, part non-sensical, yet, it makes a point with the end.
I was given a decent piece of advice by a fellow writer a while back that improved my writing greatly. He said, "Take a week, write nothing of the words, "and, the, are, we, I, me..."" It may be difficult to do with this particular piece, but, the attempt to remove simple pronouns and connectors forces us as writers to seek out more creative ways to communicate ownership and action. I like the poem, there is a great ebb and flow which seems to be trying to leap out of the confines of all those rhythm breaking connectors and pronouns; great job overall though; keep it up. peace, sean 166 view(s)
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