middenHeap
on ab*defg by Goad
19 Apr 2005, 5:10 PM
This needs an edit: first line diminishes the last.
this is a excellent poem just great i love it
Would slap me sideways with a briefer last line.
drop the - 'on what we' that'll help for starters
Weird how the opening line seemed long but was ironed out by fiorst line of second stanza. The last line is sheer brilliance hope they interpret it as i did (wrong or not).
chop out the telling bits and this could be good.
It is incorrect to say that all your critics are old and only critical because of this. Many of your critics can write like this but have chosen not to because they believe the style is not particularly valuable. Most decent poets can rhyme well and most decent poets will throw away many perfectly good rhymes because they have set their poem a structure to fulfil. This is called discipline. Now jam poetry or rap poetry or whatever you wish to call this traditionally has less discipline. If this style is to be good you must use some. Now if you were to write a poem about the criticism of goad then certain things would not naturally come up, castration for instance. The good poet would therefore look for a more suitable word. There is no use of metaphor in this poem. Now there is no law to say you need to use metaphor, but metaphor at least conveys reflection of an idea and an attempt to represent that idea in an interesting way. I would take issue with your point about Shakespeare. Although Shakespeare did to a certain extent break the rules, what he did not do was make the same mistakes that every other uneducated hack poet made in his day. Bad poets have forever made the same mistakes such as vagueness, forced rhyme and incoherence. If you make these mistakes they are not suddenly going to become revolutionary just because they are not found in published poetry. The question of punctuation and grammar is important. There is an argument that a bad critic will focus on poor grammar and use that to make conclusions about the poet and poetry as a whole. This is analgous to a poet using the metaphor of a rose to infer that all pretty things have thorns. It is unwarranted. However poor grammar and punctuation can contribute to the poet being unable to get his message across. To attack grammar for grammar's sake therefore is entirely valid. There is no advantage to a poet writing poor grammar and therefore any rectification of it is a good thing.
Paul, of Le Bible, No? Been to Dallas. Then Houston. Now Amarillo, going to Seattle. Phew! i'm beat.
I see a female(?) scuba diver and a shipwreck? 9
I begin to stupify. ruh. Please add me to the list of Damien haters. Thank you.
You forget that it's all right to loot the world because Jesus is coming and the world will end soon, and he's given us this wonderfully rich world, and wouldn't it be a shame, and possibly an insult, if we didn't use it all up first? He'll think we didn't like his present.
As polemic it's amusing, as poetry rather less so.
By tower in Line 4, do you mean 'clap in chains in the tower'? And at the start of the last stanza, do you mean boundless or are we talking about some bounder who'S rather lazy? Just wondering.
Are those actually line breaks, or is this a prose poem? One can't quite tell.
I really, really like this poem, although I can definitely see that you have too good of a vocabulary to be stuck with things like "Abyss" and the picture-kissed her part.
no
Before the comments begin I can virtually gaurantee Goad and Zodiac will be here ready to Point my flaws out. So if you dont understand this poem its probably because it is not understandable?
Good luck Goad and Zodiac the critques of the future.
THAT'S entertainment.
I like the crosses: genes/jeans, baggage/DNA. Think it would sound less didactic and more homely if you replaced all the "we"'s with "I" or Jonney or the new pope, zodiac, whatever.
I like this poem as I did your Hurting Heart one. I wish you had more on here, since I enjoy these more then any others. There's something about poems about being alone that always catch my eye. Do you have more on a different site?