Christof
on some deleted poem
22 Apr 2005, 2:17 AM
Nauseating.
A touch repetive, but I easily connected with this.
Really good stuff. I like the 'why chromosomes' pun. This short and sharp. Top marks, my friend.
Then why don't you write them down?
This actually isn't too bad, but what exactly are you talking about in stanza 3. You imply that a cool mountain stream is the same as an angel reaching for Satan. Is this true?
I like the spuds at the end. just potatoes/ just desserts. cool.
punctuation is fucked up. I know. I'm bad at punctuation.
I must assume that the misspellings are intentional? and the misplaced apostrophes?
the final stanza (paragraph) is unwieldy, and the metaphor a bit cute, but I think it works okay, and the interior images (if that makes any fucking sense) are really good.
kinda funny. last line doesn't work on me.
why the word "yet" in line 2?
laying, should be lying.
"finding me" should be saved for later. or the title.
i thought love was just sausages.
Hm, cheesy in parts, no? My favourite section was this:
I speak of moments such as this
one, in which the rain sparkles
just right, catching the streetlights
red handed in mid-fondle of night
as it showed most originality, sense of humour.. I feel you could still edit this one more time.
if you play this backward sit has a happy ending.
The irony of time - the order of things is wrong. Clean up a few grammar gaps.
You tell us too much. Use fewer words and choose carefully. Avoid telling us things like "amber waves of grain display yellow cowardice." This has poetntial.
This would be good if I found it scratched on a bar napkin. As a poem, it's a disjointed ramble. I think you should think about what you want to say before saying it. some good thoughts are scratched here.
I'd comment on the poem, but, well, I know you too well.
this is kind of funny. i think "bang" is kind of harsh. i want to like the male panda, and that means he should be more sensitive to her needs. why odesnt he bring her a bouquet of bamboo shoots or something? (5)