Niphredil
on Majdanek by Niphredil
16 May 2005, 6:48 AM
This poem, as well as 'Shades', was written during a visit to the death camps in Poland. Majdanek made a particularly powerful impression on me, and I wrote those two poems following the visit.
Had to get this one in for posterity, off the end of the lsat one. I'm sure someone will forgive me. Well, maybe...?
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
16 May 2005, 4:32 AM
I'm not responsible for a Niggah retro, I hope?
In line 5 I think there's a 'with' too much.
'They have jobs at stores and shops and places', good line.
It's all a bit psychotic, but I like it anyway.
'God turns bitch', my god...
Wow. Except for the last line where you loose me.
S.O.S.
Too precious
Well done.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
16 May 2005, 4:18 AM
This smacks of blind devotion to crappers like Kurt Cobain but the shortness of the poem certainly has impact.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
16 May 2005, 4:27 AM
Sort of monologue interior. A bit too rambling for poetry. But that's a matter of personal taste I guess.
Get rid of those dots and brackets.
Suggestion:
'Some of you are going to join the army
Dying will be your art'
'Why? First of all,
Monco never kills for the money'
A surefire poem-killer
Do you know what a niggaz is?
Ha Ha Ha now when I posted my poem thug culture about
life in the hood I must have got all kind of nasty
remarks because P. Ranker would'nt show them
Now we get nigga turn bitch when you show them the steel. God turn bitch when you show him the steel
so what you are saying is that God is a nigga too.
hair like sheep wool skin the color of bronze.
Let me tell you what a bitch is
B=BEAUTIFUL
I=INDIVIDUAL
T=THAT
C=CAUSES
H=HARDONS
BITCH TO A NIGGA MEAN WOMAN
YOU MUST BE TALKING ABOUT A DOG
I did not betray my friend Damien by publishing this filth.
Disappointing.
Good - not sure about the use of a / in the poem it leads to a question without the tell tale sign of a ? to signify such. However it still throughs some awesome shapes.
Are you trying for a sonnet? Look at Beam Reach and compare it to The Catamaran. Both are mine, the catamaran being the first draft. You can hear the diff easily. " A comrade of the yawning deep " is excellent. 8. Hit it again.
The wavering oboe went Star-warsy on me for some reason. Cardboeard ghosttown/saturated survival rock.
But what I really whant to know is: are you Hagarian or Rothian?
And another poet I have to hate due to quality issues of mine.