Re: Father’s Day by Dovina	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	20-Jun-05/10:31 AM
This is didactic and you broke rhythm a the end with no effect. It would have been better if the poem balanced the positives of age against the negatives, presenting the young reader with the opportunity to choose what kind of old man he will be (and older readers the opportunity to re-evaluate their choices).
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.185	20-Jun-05/12:07 PM
"Of my heart" is an explanitory line, unlike the better last lines of Verses 1 and 3.
Re: Being Alone by Sunshine Conkey	Dovina 69.175.32.185	20-Jun-05/12:10 PM
It would be better without the first verse.
Re: Slam. by darby pyn	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 71.129.152.137	20-Jun-05/2:49 PM
first two stanzas I liked. thought of sex.. then BINGO..it was you saving her from a mosh pit fall down.. nice surprise. I'd drop the last two commentary stanzas...
Re: Slam. by darby pyn	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 71.129.152.137	20-Jun-05/2:51 PM
okay.. I really meant I liked the first 3 stanzas.. color me ignorant.
Re: A Message from my Dreams by Joshua_Tree	INTRANSIT 204.110.228.254	20-Jun-05/4:30 PM
5and 11 are the pimpleyest. If you can fix those it's kosher with me.
Re: Flicking by INTRANSIT	Dovina 69.175.32.185	20-Jun-05/5:42 PM
In the place I used to work we built spirals into the plans - those transitions to real curves wherein the wheel can easily adjust by a half-stoned arm, and after several such easings, drivers become chicaned to expect them. Just thought you'd like to know who to blame and how ironic the victory.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.185	20-Jun-05/5:48 PM
Light and fun, the poem. Like the carnavals were a hundred years ago in the USA so I'm told. It's like a fairy tale, comical.
regarding some deleted poem...	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 71.133.40.25	20-Jun-05/7:19 PM
something wicked this way comes...
Re: Treblinka Re-opened by Caducus	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 71.133.40.25	20-Jun-05/7:20 PM
why blame God?
Re: Flicking by INTRANSIT	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 71.133.40.25	20-Jun-05/7:28 PM
I'm just confused. It may not be your fault that I am ignorant. chicane= a movable barrier used in motor racing ? "thrusting against movable barriers" ?
Re: Wash by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.55	20-Jun-05/10:36 PM
'Arranged in heaps', disarranged perhaps There was only one bare foot? Some punctuation would improve it, but it was a laugh.
regarding some deleted poem...	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.55	20-Jun-05/10:40 PM
My feeling is that this sort of poetry is greatly improved by punctuation and a select rhythm that carries you along. again i must ask, what is it, apart from poor sentence construction and line breaks that makes this a poem and not merely prose.
regarding some deleted poem...	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.55	20-Jun-05/10:44 PM
As a song lyric I think it is fine.
Re: Treblinka Re-opened by Caducus	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.55	20-Jun-05/10:47 PM
I find the constant changing of tenses, from present to past and back again rather strange and I do not see how it helps the poem.
Re: Rise (incomplete) by Miracle	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 71.133.40.25	20-Jun-05/10:57 PM
and maybe the Texas sun can call you west, and the moon from Houston can call you home.
regarding some deleted poem...	xxx 68.166.37.185	21-Jun-05/6:14 AM
An excellent capture.
Re: Rise (incomplete) by Miracle	darby pyn 207.200.116.130	21-Jun-05/9:35 AM
it's lacking something. maybe more detail?
regarding some deleted poem...	darby pyn 207.200.116.130	21-Jun-05/9:41 AM
The pace flows nicely. good read. 6
Re: Wash by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	Dovina 69.175.32.185	21-Jun-05/9:53 AM
"woven plants hung on my body to cover the base creature I claim not to be" - Good line.