INTRANSIT
on A Message from my Dreams by Joshua_Tree
20 Jun 2005, 4:30 PM
5and 11 are the pimpleyest. If you can fix those it's kosher with me.
In the place I used to work we built spirals into the plans - those transitions to real curves wherein the wheel can easily adjust by a half-stoned arm, and after several such easings, drivers become chicaned to expect them. Just thought you'd like to know who to blame and how ironic the victory.
Light and fun, the poem. Like the carnavals were a hundred years ago in the USA so I'm told. It's like a fairy tale, comical.
something wicked this way comes...
why blame God?
I'm just confused. It may not be your fault that I am ignorant.
chicane= a movable barrier used in motor racing ?
"thrusting against movable barriers" ?
'Arranged in heaps', disarranged perhaps
There was only one bare foot?
Some punctuation would improve it, but it was a laugh.
My feeling is that this sort of poetry is greatly improved by punctuation and a select rhythm that carries you along. again i must ask, what is it, apart from poor sentence construction and line breaks that makes this a poem and not merely prose.
As a song lyric I think it is fine.
I find the constant changing of tenses, from present to past and back again rather strange and I do not see how it helps the poem.
and maybe the Texas sun can call you west, and the moon from Houston can call you home.
okay.. I really meant I liked the first 3 stanzas.. color me ignorant.
An excellent capture.
it's lacking something. maybe more detail?
This is didactic and you broke rhythm a the end with no effect. It would have been better if the poem balanced the positives of age against the negatives, presenting the young reader with the opportunity to choose what kind of old man he will be (and older readers the opportunity to re-evaluate their choices).
"Of my heart" is an explanitory line, unlike the better last lines of Verses 1 and 3.
It would be better without the first verse.
first two stanzas I liked. thought of sex.. then BINGO..it was you saving her from a mosh pit fall down.. nice surprise.
I'd drop the last two commentary stanzas...
"woven plants hung on my body to cover the base creature I claim not to be" - Good line.
The pace flows nicely. good read. 6