Tintagiles
on False Reality by jlynnwall
2 Oct 2005, 10:50 AM
Unfinished indeed. Ask me again when it's done. And have a five, as it doesn't matter either way, which is the proper thing to do to drafts.
I really think you could have made this better...
Couplet 4 is redundant and contradictory. (How the hell did you manage that?)
Why call it a free verse poem?
Kind of a good lullaby.
I'd leave off the opening statement...and then proofread it..."to this to this shadowy bridge"? I'm guessing a typo...
Heaven showed it's furry?! How rude...
On a serious note, you might want to proofread...(i.e. - furry should be fury) and maybe think over a few lines such as the first.
Sounds like a dream, and a happy one.
You've got some great lines here, and a good rhythm. "Prisoners with socialite waists,quiet as certain sins."
VADA
His face hurts, and where is his glasses? He can't see without his glasses! Put his glasses on!
(Harry and Shelly are rapidly approaching Vada, Shelly takes hold of her and tries to pull her away)
Put on his glasses! He was gonna be an acrobat.
HARRY
He's gone sweetheart. He's gone!
VADA
Get away, get away!!
The best part was "encampuslate". Have you ever read anything, ever?
I never understand anything you write about.
'Sparkbrook' didn't do it for me. Liked the imagery, though they didn't seem to flow very well.
It's good but for the beginning, middle and end.
The last line changes POV from her to him and blows an otherwise tender scene. I, for one, think it's best to use just one one POV.
Lovely as always.
Don't mind Zodiac, he's heat stricken over there in the Islamic sun. His grammar's gone kaput, and he thinks glasses will relieve his pain.
As for your poem, I'm having trouble with how glasses affect streaks of white that you see, and haw you could see it any better with glasses, looking through the windowshade.
The best part is "a deceitful pathway to empty noise." Zodiac is attracted to you in a spelling or spell-binding way.
shorten it a bit and "the power over the stove" bit is awful.