Dovina
on never visit a diner twice by Bill Z Bub
15 Oct 2005, 12:42 PM
No comma after diner. I think that "left in the gutter" makes the idea inconsistant. I'd leave out "left." Otherwise very concise and good.
The word "dull" seems too bland. Otherwise I like it a lot.
'You had your runs with...' I'll take o'er -=Dark_Angel=-'s comment. Change to 'You had the runs because of' and it might be all right.
Whien whine whine sentimentality.
We were put on this earth to fertilise it with our bodies once we are dead.
Yawn yawn yawn.
I really don't know what you are trying to say in this poem, sorry.
On a more practical note - I find the 'But' at the beginning quite awkward.
Because of your lack of capitals I first thought you were using "Polish" as a verb which would have made it the best line in the poem. What the hell is
"pneumotic"? Maybe it too is a misspelling.
Cheer up you could be named Apple or Moon Unit and those are names of white people you damn racist.
The metaphor brings up fears that the tree, perched on the brink, will eventually fall over, as real trees so perched usually do when a storm comes. But the greater fear is that any such hypothetical refuge doesn't really exist.
Forgive me. I'll recharacterize.
DOVINA: Saying that something is made by evolution gives it importance because it says that it fits a theory. Therefore it's understandable. For example, evolution, the theory designed to explain the development of faith (among other things), can explain the development of faith.
ZODIAC: That's totally ridiculous. In addition, if either faith or evolution were COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from what they are now, the theory designed to explain them would still explain them. That wouldn't make the hypothetical nonfaith or nonevolution any more important. In addition, the real reason claiming evolution gives faith importance is by making it outside of our control, it's in our natures, like reproduction or fattiness. Why don't you respond to that?
DOVINA: Blaaaaaat.
We weren't put here, we just all happened to be here at roughly the same time.
I'd try not to rhyme "glass" and "glass" in stanza 2. Other than that, kind of said-before. Some of it's a little touching, but not "Blue Bayou" touching.
I don't feel that the dove and the pigeon make any contribution to the theme.
My questions are, why pigeon? Why dove (and please, let it not be purity and peace, cause that's way too hackneyed...) and what is the significance of exchanging feathers?
Ancient
beautiful.
I'm pretty sure it's impossible to stand amidst one thing. If you've just got to stand amidst, it'll have to be amidst parted waters or something such, and who wants to do that?
Also, waterfalls should just be waterfall. Or it should have brinks.
I'm confused, does the waterfalls ends in a sea of fire, or the river? At any rate, it's too many strung-together phrases: the tree that's amidst the river that's at the falls that end in fire. Split them up, make some new sentences.
I don't understand how the tree relates to (and presumably helps) journeys. Apparently it STOPS people from journeys to the bottoms of the falls.
Rivers in "rivers rage" should have an apostrophe, probably before the s. Some regular sentence punctuation would help to. If you're having trouble deciding where, try writing it out in paragraph format and seeing where it doesn't make sense.
I thought the birds exchanging feathers was striking though. I have know idea what they mean.
Responding to your and Dovina's comments, the refuge you're talking about is the hypothetical itself, so of course the tree doesn't fall.
challis = chalice.
Other than that, fascinating, I'm not sure I understand; but worth another read.
May I steal your last line? It's great - could use it in lots of places. But it doesn't seem to fit here.
Please take another look at "Eâen his own self." Because it pales against "He valued you less than wisdom" and other good lines.
A rogue "I" in S3. God is west in Shannon for sure, keep looking.