| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 209.247.222.91 |
29-Oct-05/11:29 AM |
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I think you've worked this thing to diminishing returns, like the Concord.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 209.247.222.91 |
29-Oct-05/11:44 AM |
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Great. "awoke" in line 1.
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| Re: brave new world still a bit timid by FreeFormFixation |
Dovina 209.247.222.91 |
29-Oct-05/11:52 AM |
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"freely" should be a noun form, I think.
"we'd" seems grammetically bad. Maybe "we"
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| Re: island nation by skaskowski |
Dovina 209.247.222.91 |
29-Oct-05/12:07 PM |
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The metaphor works pretty well until the last two lines.
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| Re: Poetry is where you find it by INTRANSIT |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
29-Oct-05/6:02 PM |
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It's not very sporting of you to turn the subject of the conversation away from your poem before we get the chance to.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
29-Oct-05/6:13 PM |
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| Re: brave new world still a bit timid by FreeFormFixation |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
30-Oct-05/4:50 AM |
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Anne Frank's novel?!
Are you saying she made all that shit up?
If it's lame it can't be a standard novel, same with drivel as standardized education. Standard means acceptable.
Who is neutral milk hotel and why isn't he/she or it capitalized?
"a feely fraught with emptiness" is contradictory but I'm sure you'd meant to be oxymoronic.
Good use of alliteration.
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| Re: An Allegory to No One by MacFrantic |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
30-Oct-05/6:13 AM |
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Not really an allegory but I guess No One won't mind that.
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| Re: island nation by skaskowski |
zodiac 217.144.7.195 |
30-Oct-05/6:24 AM |
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skaskowski nation of islands (free verse)
it placed the container of coffee in
the cooker and it resupplied the flame in a fire
then it placed in the bank
in order to it completes in his sympathy
and in order to it gives the attention
it shakes this it should cases fast in the sleep
it has the fracture of that relaxedly blooming her cheeks
is licked this way and this gullible vloek
ways should it is wes Anderson it is.
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| Re: brave new world still a bit timid by FreeFormFixation |
wilco 24.92.74.122 |
30-Oct-05/4:00 PM |
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Although I think you're completely misinterpreting Jeff Mangum's lyrics, there are still parts of this that I like (such as the third stanza). Also, points for knowing who Neutral Milk Hotel is...
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| Re: Stolen Innocence by TLRufener |
Dovina 209.247.222.96 |
30-Oct-05/5:49 PM |
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Yeah I believe it can happen that way. I'd prefer less redundancy and more clever lines, but you've caught glympse of a path I might have taken, but for fortune.
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| Re: The Gospel According to Zodiac by Dovina |
richa 81.178.208.202 |
31-Oct-05/3:52 AM |
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Not sure about the relevance of verse three. Otherwise cool.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
richa 81.178.208.202 |
31-Oct-05/3:56 AM |
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Cool. The only problem I see is the line break and the bread/goes fast. It would work better imo as one line and then another line (a simile to describe the bread going fast perhaps) before the final couplet.
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| Re: Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac |
FreeFormFixation 70.225.166.245 |
31-Oct-05/4:20 AM |
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backwards through magazines? if i were in japan, i wouldnt want to go back home either!
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| Re: The Gospel According to Zodiac by Dovina |
INTRANSIT 152.163.100.67 |
31-Oct-05/6:55 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 209.247.222.85 |
31-Oct-05/7:53 AM |
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Seems that "if" V2, L3 should logically be "because"
"after once" seems too quirky, maybe "others"
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| Re: The Gospel According to Zodiac by Dovina |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
31-Oct-05/8:40 AM |
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I would have thought he was more of a Squidward sympathist.
I never realised Jesus was so popular with the potheads and gays till now.
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| Re: Stolen Innocence by TLRufener |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
31-Oct-05/8:50 AM |
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"Don't hate the playa, hate the game." -Tupac
We've all had our hearts broken. The difference between us and you is the capacity to learn from our mistakes. You didn't have your life taken, you're just brain dead.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Caducus 172.212.241.153 |
31-Oct-05/9:34 AM |
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announcing the time at the end refers to the time of her death was also the time of her life - 1941.
I just thought I'd mention it but its monday who cares lol./
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| Re: The Gospel According to Zodiac by Dovina |
zodiac 217.144.7.195 |
1-Nov-05/3:09 AM |
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I live +7 hours from Eastern Time, +2 from Greenwich, which is the time on the comment-clock.
I can honestly say I've never seen an episode of Spongebob in my life, so I'm rubber you're glue. I'm not even curious to hear how you figure this is relevant. -10-
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