Re: Happy 40th Anniversary by Dovina	richa 81.178.237.26	14-Feb-06/12:50 PM
'Of what fabric are wishes made?' is a punchy line to start with but you make no attempt to elucidate. It can't be ascertained why you sneer so much. To start a thing is vague and quite clunky. The middle of the poem is unarresting. Death refrain is an interesting use of language. Good to say we've come a long way is a decent idea. I just think the poem needs more meat in the place of the cliches of wilderness, anniveraries pass etc.
Re: Escape by raven_the_poet	zodiac 209.193.18.30	14-Feb-06/12:51 PM
The easiest and wrongest thing to do in poetry is end every line on a full-stop - that is, with a period or strong punctuation. Your goal needs to be to write thoughts that run through the ends of the line, and that also make the grammar close to normal instead of backwards and archaic. That's not hard to do, but it takes practice.
Re: Sonnet for Snow by ecargo	zodiac 209.193.18.30	14-Feb-06/12:55 PM
Nice.
Re: Happy 40th Anniversary by Dovina	zodiac 209.193.18.30	14-Feb-06/12:56 PM
Wish this had a story.
Re: In response to by INTRANSIT	richa 81.178.237.26	14-Feb-06/12:56 PM
'I am the deer caught off guard by my own complacent headlights' is fine. I don't think it is meant to be an image so much as a reference to and modification of a cliche.
Re: In response to by INTRANSIT	zodiac 209.193.18.30	14-Feb-06/12:59 PM
I'm with the critiquers who said downplay the 'deer in the headlights'. Maybe just have it walk onto the road at night with you coming on. Don't say the actual words 'deer caught in my headlights', whatever adjectives you think might camoulflage them.
regarding some deleted poem...	drnick 24.176.22.254	14-Feb-06/1:22 PM
I want to make love to your words Then spoon inside your verse Burry me low inside your mind This poem makes me feel alive That is to you, from me. You are good. There's not one line I would change. I feel inadequate again.
Re: Journeyman by Glasseyez	ecargo 167.219.88.140	14-Feb-06/3:06 PM
Yeah, Ranger's right, I think--four of the seven seas; you'll slide right over the "of" so it doesn't really throw off the rhythm. This would make some decent lyrics. Forget Poetry for Dummies; more Johnny Cash.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	14-Feb-06/3:18 PM
Wow, some gorgeous lines and color in this. I think you could trim without losing much in a few places, e.g., "You hated its heat, the sand underfoot [You said still had the] reek[ing] of blood of bulls, [And you hated] the noise, the tidal roar Of the populace locked in the ring, [The] [their] thirsty cries goading on the blood ballet With a cruel chant that you heard even In the sacred [precincts of] cathedrals . . ." "Among the arabesques and high pillars As if every wall held a tongue of stone To capture and peal out that litany Of maddened lowing,"--jesus, that's good. Think Richard's right re: "scared of" "frightened of"--maybe just "you were haunted by Spain" or something similar in Stanza 2? So much to like in this.
Re: Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	ecargo 167.219.88.140	14-Feb-06/3:21 PM
Fire and ice, air and un-air - bonus points for making "cold boiling" work. Cool.
Re: change (3rd draft) by Adriaan	Ranger 62.252.32.15	14-Feb-06/3:41 PM
Ah...it's tricky to know what to say about a haiku, particularly a short haiku (or whatever the technical name is for this structure, 3-5-2, sounds like a football formation) but this has so much scope for descriptive imagery. I want to say 'describe the hermit, describe where he's sitting, describe the leaves, describe how they're falling' etc. etc. etc. but I have this nagging feeling that it would actually detract from the purpose of this poem; it retains a clarity in its brevity that is actually quite refreshing. And I'm rambling. If only Kaolin had made a comment compressor to shift through the rubbish in my comments so as to find any kernels of usefulness that might remain.
Re: Valentine 2 by zodiac	Ranger 62.252.32.15	14-Feb-06/3:44 PM
Love the description of the gunfire into trees. Forgive my lack of historical knowledge - are the quotes factually accurate, or are they artistic license, zodiac-style?
Re: Valentine 2 by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Feb-06/3:49 PM
I think at your core you're a story teller. That's what you gift is. I think stories are harder than poems and story poems are the hardest to do of them all. Your poems are usually like scenes to a greater story. Both your Valentines leave us wanting more, the cop who never gets his answer, the captain that never is given a proper send off. This is the theme I get from it. Death is about what didn't happen but could have. By the way I love the differences between the two Valentines.
Re: Sonnet for Snow by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Feb-06/3:54 PM
Very natural in every sense.
Re: The Struggling Poet's Lament by Ranger	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Feb-06/4:00 PM
It almost comes across as a love poem. Nice approach. Some great lines.
Re: Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	Dovina 67.72.98.83	14-Feb-06/4:53 PM
I struggle to relate any lovemaking I've known to cold or boiling. Soft - yes. Swarming buggles - maybe. Fingers running and dancing, fumbling - yes. But a kiss as a gasp for air - well, can't relate. A chill that burns - yes, right on. But frigid despair - that's a let-down. The next part eludes me. But blissful abyss is okay. And only to die as the suds die - yes. And I don't like the last two lines. Just an opinion.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	15-Feb-06/1:54 AM
Sounds like you had a shitty day. But you have time yet. Don't lose heart.
Re: change (3rd draft) by Adriaan	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	15-Feb-06/6:17 AM
Good but you could have put more imagery in the second verse. Something like- Hermit sits: Child's name carved in bark Red leaves fall. Not that that's where you were going but you see what I mean?
Re: Down on Dogs by Bobjim	Ranger 62.252.32.15	15-Feb-06/6:36 AM
BJ, you're desperate to get that Orange Award back, aren't you?
Re: Yet another Morning Glory piss-take by Bobjim	Ranger 62.252.32.15	15-Feb-06/6:38 AM
Another Orange reason (parodying another user). But it made me laugh so much...