Re: The Devil's Carnival by Ranger	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.11	13-Mar-06/11:22 PM
Generally speaking I found it well written, but Crashing down, worried me, it seems just not quite right.
Re: Settling in by INTRANSIT	Dental Panic 84.27.6.94	14-Mar-06/3:30 AM
Nice. I have no problem with the way you animate - humanize - the house. You could loose some 'and', I think. Same goes for the 'as'. To me they're like nails sticking out a bit.
Re: Settling in by INTRANSIT	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Mar-06/5:30 AM
You should change the title to show that this is a house that someone's returning to. Some great imagery, especially the house pulling the siding tight.
Re: Numbers In Heaven by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	14-Mar-06/10:18 AM
I take it that zodiac gets very jittery when he hears anything about religion,or heaven or angels or 183 divine creatures....... or maybe he just can't stand the thought of Dovina born in heaven and nestled eternally there.
Re: Mango Pickle by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 69.175.32.104	14-Mar-06/7:42 PM
I've never eaten mango pickle, and the seasonings you mention are mostly strange to me. Chilly would be chili where I live, and mango flesh is not white, but orange, almost yellow. I remember mangos hanging from long stems on huge trees in Hawaii. We picked them with a long pole, basket on top.
Re: Indianapolis Since by matt door	Dovina 69.175.32.104	14-Mar-06/7:45 PM
Seems like "the love of young wishes" should be "the wishes of young love." A nice sentiment.
Re: Desolation by Beyond_Dreams	Dovina 69.175.32.104	14-Mar-06/7:54 PM
Another way of saying Verse 7 is "I don't have to sacrifice who I am to be happy with you." That's nice either way.
Re: I want to slit my wrist and call it poetry by thepinkbunnyofdoom	Dark Angle 216.115.228.135	15-Mar-06/1:35 AM
"Love bound to lust is cheap and dies with our youth, stealing innocence. I never wanted this"......... is what i liked about this.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	15-Mar-06/3:24 AM
Inspired! (I've seen that one before...)
Re: Indianapolis Since by matt door	Ranger 62.252.32.15	15-Mar-06/3:26 AM
I don't know, I think 'the love of young wishes' works just as well. This is nice, you are very good at writing brief, nostalgic poems! I'm not sure about 'field of green and was', or 'perfect shade of once'...something a little more logical might fit better - but even so, it works well as it is.
Re: Birthday by Dhanesh M Kumar	Ranger 62.252.32.15	15-Mar-06/7:41 AM
Last stanza was pretty good, didn't like 'torturous' though, I reckon you could find something more effective and less overused there. Stanza 1 was a little dry...it works, but isn't spectacular. Same for the first line of stanza 2. Other than that it's alright.
Re: Endless Battle by rahson_s	Ranger 62.252.32.15	15-Mar-06/7:44 AM
'debut to a page' is quite good, so are the last two lines (although it would probably work better if the last line was just 'mind and pen'). So...what's with this general trend of people posting and not commenting on anyone else's works?
Re: i prefer steadfast by skaskowski	Ranger 62.252.32.15	15-Mar-06/7:47 AM
Very smooth, the title says it all. 'Let the ocean wrap me up and rinse away all my graffiti' - excellent.
Re: no title by mystic enoch	Ranger 62.252.32.15	15-Mar-06/7:50 AM
Be a little more inventive with the rhymes. 'It's hard not to get lost in them' - totally true.
Re: Endless Battle by rahson_s	ecargo 167.219.88.140	15-Mar-06/8:30 AM
Don't want to be the punctuation police, but punctuation would help this, I think--make it more clear and accessible. It's got energy and a good narrative flow to it. Could tighten a few places (" . . . she penetrates my lies/and picks out truth: I lie too much, the damage has been done; I'm losing this battle with my pen." Maybe break there, too, and start a new line or stanza with "she knows me very well." Watch your cliches ("I'm living proof") and pay some attention to breaks, etc., and this could be even better.
Re: Birthday by Dhanesh M Kumar	ecargo 167.219.88.140	15-Mar-06/8:44 AM
Clearer than some of your others. How is "a" morning dew moribund (on the point of death, but moribund also has the connotation of stagnancy, a lack of vitality, and dew, in contrast, changes to something else). Also that 'moribund' line isn't a complete thought, it just flops around limply. I think I see what you're saying here, but it seems a rather wordy way to say that age doesn't matter, and, yet, it does.
Re: Settling in by INTRANSIT	Niphredil 132.69.238.221	15-Mar-06/11:09 AM
This is a beautifully musical poem, with different sounds and creaks to savor almost in every verse. Kudos for 'bwong', and cheers for the plumbing in vibrato! 'adoringly' jarred, I must agree. Maybe 'companionably', 'cheerfully' or something alond those lines would be more appropriate?
Re: Settling in by INTRANSIT	http://mulberryfairy 169.244.70.146	15-Mar-06/2:38 PM
nice, how about spring though? "its" should replace "it's"
Re: Endless Battle by rahson_s	http://mulberryfairy 169.244.70.146	15-Mar-06/2:39 PM
I like the kind of manic feel of this, it makes it more convincing.
Re: Judged by Dovina	Caducus 86.144.226.63	16-Mar-06/3:40 AM
I cant help thinking the title for this should be 'Clint Eastwood Moments'. This has some quality concise images in the first stanza but s6 read like you were struggling compared to the other assured stzas