Actually I thought the snowflake passage was the best in the poem. This feels very much like song material; I'd change 'dope-soaked' though, it's too obvious. Make that bit more subtle and this is super.

To get round the time problem you might think about making time leave with the plane. First stanza is good, very much in keeping with the cultural feel of the piece. Stanza two, less so. Third is clever but it takes a few reads (well, for me anyway, but I can't think at the moment so I guess that's to be expected) to tie in the stork-orphan idea with the first stanza husband-wife, mainly (I think) because to the best of my knowledge it's not a Japanese story/tradition. Other suggestion: use more Japanese words in here. They would work, but only if there are enough. As it stands, 'komono' jars with me.

If you're going to write about wisdom in a Japanese format, it's virtually a legal requirement that you talk about an old man with long white hair sitting by the side of a road. Seriously though, this doesn't actually describe wisdom, nor does it give a solid metaphor for it.

Neat idea, needs a bit of editing in my opinion. 'Their existence/Intertwined with mine' is a little...bland, by your standards. Same with 'Time's secrets' (a bit cliched too). They don't have much of an effect. The 'tiny hard drive space' is good for the idea of each of us being small, virtually inconsequential - as I assume that's what you mean. It needs to be a little clearer though. Stanzas 2 and 3 are super, although 'Events and deeds/some never said' seems to go against the title; diaries aren't usually fictional. Use of 'verisimilitude' is either genius or madness, I have yet to decide which... 'The rest, like life unlived' was good.

How do you capture hell in a jar? I'm not sure anyone can but I salute you for trying.

I like the blare/Blair inuendo, if it is one - works for me. The "eons come undone" line reads as if some new thing is going on - new ways of doing it maybe. The thousand rockets equation to a thousand hopes makes it look like every rocket kills a hope, which is far from true. "past it's masters' keeping" shows the crude technology, and the rest shows how it is working.

Reminds me of the days of the cold war.

This doesn't read very smoothly at all, to me. What bugs me about this is that each line is a different length. The first stanza has the right idea, but from there it goes bad. I didn't enjoy reading this at all.

The jail cell metaphor competes with the main metaphor of the poem. It tends to confuse people when you put an unconnected metaphor inside a bigger metaphor. Otherwise very interesting and thought provoking.

O, those space fillers useless words for syllables. This Haiku does suck.

I thought the flow of the poem was great, natural and reflective.

It Won’t Stay Buried Etched in my flesh, burned in my brain, tainted memory, the image of you. Haunting thoughts, one after another, you and you. When blurred vision comes clear, I shudder at the apparition, staring back, into me, into my soul. it won't let go. Never, Ever.

Really?

Your last one, with its funky mis-grammar, made sense to me, but this one doesn't. It looks like as collection of scattered thoughts.

Topics like this are sooooo overdone. I feel lack of originality here. Have you run out of ideas to write on?

This has the potential to be an incredibly good write. It just wasn't, though. I see below comments that you're trying to explain the poem; if you need to do that that's when you really know that it was a bad write. Maybe stick to writing about things more personal and therefore more readable. Poetry is supposed to be FELT ... yet I felt nothing when I read this.

Thanks, Ranger and ALChemy, for your comments. I've awakened today in less of a stupor, and revised the thing. I hope it makes more sense.

Some problems in logic and flow, but I like it overall. Resist rhyming "aligned" and "intertwined"--we all want to do it, and too many succumb. "Soft cerebral shadows" reads nicely. I love the second verse--we get a nice bit of YOU (the you in the poem anyway). Next verse (time)--I like it in concept, but I'm not clear on how time keeps it all in place--seems to me that diaries do the opposite--keep time in place. Maybe I'm just misreading it. I like the interplay between jailor and "frees the space." "Events and deeds" verse doesn't scan right (grammatically/logically). Last verse--you've come to trust verisimilude, not fact? If yes, lose the comma after fact. What you're saying, in effect, though is that you've come to trust the appearance or suggestion of truth rather than fact? verisimilitude doesn't always equal truth though; we're very self-deluded critters sometimes. Like it overall--you seem to be simplifying, which usually makes things stronger, clearer, less pompous.

Scandalous. ;)

Some great details in this. "scene from a perfect haiku" seems too obvious. Second verse is my favorite.