Self pity shows through well, but the angst is very bland.

Are you serious about this?

I like this poem in conjunction with "sitting on a cliff's edge". The fused energy feels similar somehow. Interesting. Like two people watching the same play from different angles.

Poetry is, at its best, a 'golden section' exposed. You're pretty close to winning a bronzed chambered nautilus for this one.

Nice to imagine. Thank you. The originality of the metaphors actually disrupts the flow slightly on the first couple reads, but after a couple reads I don't think the metaphors are anything but nice. I think what may be a small issue is their pronounciation and how their sounds fit into the poem: e.g. buried-alive hands is a very nice descriptor but a little front loaded to mediate the spreading transmogrification.

A ten, blue.

The end can be stronger! damn you.

Awesome title - now I have to read it; please hold... Hey that rocks. It's a sad and pitiful rocking, but with an air of challenges overcome.

That second stanza in particular describes an old scene in a very fresh way; well done! This use of the parenthetical gives it an interesting flavor - like building a language - or a mythology. I think it can easily be overdone though - you've kept on the inside of that. bird leaves as she cools, the parallel with the decomposing city - nice.

Very Freudian. We all know what snakes represent. You set up a pleasant scene and then twist and undermine it - very nicely done.

Did you know Knievel is actually his real surname?

A Gibson mandolin, I believe. And an expensive one. This expresses that desire to rush but the fear of breaking very well - and that has larger implications. liked it!

Interesting. How literal is the translation between the languages? Is it ever possible to properly translate poetry, because so much lies in the original language? Hmm.

You are using the inclusion of some Spanish words as an excuse for a poeme that reads like shit and doesn't make any sense. 10!!!

I'm particularly fond of that ... particular time. This is very cute.

:0( Care for a front row ticket to the latest execution? Bet the workers would give up the strike if such entertainment was offered. 23.166

[X] Arbitrary line breaks [X] Devoid of rhyme [X] Devoid of other linguistic embellishments (alliteration, etc) [X] Devoid of other literary devices (metaphor, synaesthesia, etc) [X] Devoid of wondrous or fantastical imagery This isn't a poeme; it's another prose with arbitrary line breaks special.

:0) Wonderful womb with a view and surround sound! 23.33

echos of wallace stevens here - and there's not a damn thing wrong with that(although that could just me being effected by "if you know how to use a hammer, everything looks like a nail") Lovely - sensual, sweetly cadenced.

If by "birth" you mean nentwined's Haiku of the same name then I applaud the sentiment if not the frequent, and somewhat baffling, references to urban decay.