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glimpses (Free verse) by nentwined Disposable needles in the evening, orange-bright
for avoidance
speak of dreams
(avoided--injected--forgotten)
Cold wind chills bones that think they're
warm,
and a smile rolls back
into nothingness.
At last the pain (life) and pleasure (life)
blend,
and she (for one moment)
fears the confusion,
then gives in--
she is gone.
Pigeons nest
against her body
for some last vestige of warmth
but leave in the silence
of dawn.
The city
decomposes.
Up the ladder:
paint me a poem (try 2)
Down the ladder:
How small, this sleeping tiger
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.8965516
Posted: October 21, 2003 8:42 PM PDT; Last modified: October 21, 2003 8:42 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.8918624 Overall Rank: 248 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[n/a]
abecedarian @ 4.40.32.229
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21-Oct-03/10:15 PM
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Reply
I like this poem in conjunction with "sitting on a cliff's edge". The fused energy feels similar somehow. Interesting. Like two people watching the same play from different angles.
[n/a]
nentwined @ 66.92.183.34
> abecedarian
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22-Oct-03/5:26 AM
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Reply
thanks; I hadn't considered that at all. :) very interesting. I was certainly going for *something* with "The city/decomposes". Or a couple of things. Hadn't made the leap to post-apocalyptic.
That second stanza in particular describes an old scene in a very fresh way; well done!
This use of the parenthetical gives it an interesting flavor - like building a language - or a mythology. I think it can easily be overdone though - you've kept on the inside of that. bird leaves as she cools, the parallel with the decomposing city - nice.
You really know how to make a person feel good about their poems. Thank you. :)
Wow, good for you. Much more depth then I've seen from you before. Could you move the 1st stanza inbetween some of the others? I think the second stanza would do much better as teh first, nice strong intro.
nice language, k.
you have managed to paint it without a tick on dr. carawax's list. bueno.
Is it true that you are Rockmage's dad? I really liked his sculptures.
P.S.-9-
relation goes the other way around. He does do some nice work. You should buy some. ;)
Good God, man! If my Father knew I was running a Poetry-website, you may be certain that a well-embalmed Strap would be forging a path along my buttocks faster than you could say "Shrewsbury Gland". What times we live in; what horrid, horrid times.
OMG LOL ASL?!
what rockmage said. heh. :)
oh, man...sheesh...okay...yeah...got me in the gut....Very good...very good indeed. First read tonight..sheesh.
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