xxx
on some deleted poem
29 Oct 2003, 4:26 AM
This bores.
I resemble that! Hmmnffpt! 22.226
Smacked the silver masked one up side the head!
21.11111
As he eats it? 17.43
Okay. The ending was worth the read. 23.33
Interesting constipation. 18.443
Too big a dash of kindness! 17.666
Where does the line fall between long prose and long poeme???
Very nice!!! 25.321
There. I made it through the lot.
And raised your score!
Take that, oh grumpy one!!!
I like this aggravated lightness.
small nit: "distance" s/b "distant", although maybe you could do something with "long distance", dunno - might take away from the light-hearted jab of it.
nice job.
I think it could be something, but it needs a hook, my friend - needs a hook.
and that first line in the bridge - maybe a missing word in there; give it a read.
lastly - the bridge was a bit soon for me. Maybe develop the hookline in that second bit and move the bridge down - just as a suggestion.
thanks for livening up the place.
looking for poetry or prose - seen any lately?
I second the honorable mr. mage's proposal - lets storm the castle!!
Nicely penned prose. Absotively.
Would be a nice bit within a short story, I'm sure.
big points for universal appeal, I think the cat would just run away though.
(cuz I pictured it sitting on the tire)
now if the second line was
"against the alternator" . . . or someplace similar . . .
genius -10-
Pretentious guff.
yep - he's a strange one. What is it with these chin grabbing poses!?