Shardik
on some deleted poem
4 Nov 2003, 4:43 AM
http://poetry.rotten.com/weightlifter/
Keenly observed and vividly documented
Have you ever experienced a 'jowling'?
Great image 'my lips are like razors your neck slit'
Sul(ph?)fur soothes?
I think you need a smack to start you breathing
earpattite don't work but anti-lame is cool
Nice individual lines
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
4 Nov 2003, 6:47 AM
Its not a pandoras box thing is it?
contentedness? accepting?
Like a loft full of jumble,
'the a-team, fool' was my antique.
yes
Because?
Some good ones, and some dooky.
Nice clean language (I don't mean that in the no swear words sense!).
The last four couplets are very strong, the
"with wind and shadow,
born in league"
in particular -
the first could use a tweak though; loose the "the" at least, and/or consider another way to *show* me the grass feels like cold fingers. This change may involve the second stanza too - no worries, you can make it work.
Almost biblical but hardly poetic
it does have a bigger than life feel - and I'm gonna disagree with the dear with headlights; it is quite poetic (what isn't? Sounds like attitude to me).
I don't really get the bit about taking an adequate wife though - unconvincing our vague, somehow.
I just did in an excercise in my programming class where I had the students write a program that by simulating a vampire needing to feed everynight, and thereby converting another human into vampire - how long would it take to convert all the humans into vampires.
Turns out it takes just about a month to convert 6 billion people.
one of the "proofs" that vampires don't exist - but it makes a few arbitrary (and silly) assumptions.
as for the poem here - I feel like I need to munch on it more, but I do so hesitantly because there isn't much room for interpretation (not quite getting it).
I do like some of the bits in it:
"neck knives
red drops
stained scarf" is cool.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
4 Nov 2003, 8:41 AM
Very gentle, well put together. But 'fealty' and 'entrails' and 'bedlam' in such a gently voiced poem?
I like it except the last line doesn't seem to go real well. . .but lets see some more!
Are you people afraid of AIDS?
Maybe all this garbage is our own fault