PunkyPanda
on some deleted poem
19 Jan 2004, 10:15 AM
Audrey...no. Lol.
MEDIOCRITY CODE
34C49000
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
THING n.: creature, critter, varmint, blossom, organism, monster, monstrosity, shape, mollusk, structure, octopod, myriapod, phyllopod, shell, bivalave, body, brute.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
20 Jan 2004, 7:47 AM
Very niece.
1.) Don't end every line with a comma; it not grammatical (most heinous: "separate, desire")
2.) Capitalize and punctuate like real sentences; or is this meant to be one Dickensian sentence?
3.) Break up the lines by some other basis than a pause or the end of a clause; continuous, homogenous long lines are hard to read and not really poetic. Instead, use line breaks to isolate bits of phrases that can - I don't know - stand alone, words or short phrases that have significance (or even shock value) when you see them alone on a line.
Okay, now you have something that at least looks like a poem without having had to sacrifice your precious artistic vision.
4.) Get an artistic vision, or at least know that any mention of seas flowing, swan songs, burning torches, plays being directed, dark tunnels, or clear jewels will be met with extreme scepticism by most of your readers. Handle them originally. Maybe make the sea not flow, for once, or at least flow somewhere besides the direction taken by your average '80's pop song.
4.5) Besides, I can't even tell what you're talking about (probably that you like some girl/boy/thing/ocean,) or who you are (again, a boy, girl, jeweler, or marine biologist?)
5.) Read some of the poems on this site before you decide you're too intelligent for these lamers.
Sorry you had to hear this from me, but I might be the only one here who'll take you seriously enough to reply. You're welcome to go bash my poem. Tchuss!
Very good. I like it better ending on "we agreed" or even "libraries." The last line goes without saying.
Crimson gnewt?
Clearly a poem about uppity lesbian tree huggers in denial.
This is too confusing. I've decided to become one of Goad's nicks (which I pronounce a little like gonad, actually,) to save myself/himself/ourself the trouble of building a costly alliance of my/his/our own fake supporters. Don't worry: there'll still be oh-so-witty limerick arguments, as well as the added advantage of being able to post a poem every 4.8 hours instead of every 8. But I'm/he's/we're afraid none of you other nick-alliances will be able to stop me/him/us in my/his/our quest for complete poemranker monopoly! Bwah-hah and other intimidating sounds.
van Gogh doesn't work as well in this one.
As long as it's making fun of horus and is written well
I think you could do without 'But' at the start of the last stanza. Otherwise perfect. the best use of prepositional phrases I have ever ever seen.
the last two lines of the first stanza are beautifully constructed. A lovely percussion, well thoughtout wiht a terrific fallowt-through in the next stanza L2S2 is as pretty a thing as I've seen.
Sort of a cross between e.e. cummings and Dylan Thomas I think. Top-notch. (Do get rid of that first 'but' S3, the more I read it, the more out of place it seems) Kisses.
Are the maths community impressed when you post poems on mathsranker?
Once a proud supporter of General Pinochet and his regime, my respect for the Chilean dictator has sadly dwindled in recent years following his trip to Britain, throughout which he repeatedly menaced the Archbishop of Canterbury with a large double-penis and threatened to fart on his balls.
'forget what they have done' is incongruous, who are the they? the line does not belong to this poem.
Cliched, but well put together.
I don't really understand the title, but hey what ever floats your boat. I think it is well written and exemplifies what it is to struggle with emotion and confusion. well done, 8
An aero-space museum? That sounds pretty cool to me, in a geeky kind of way. Beats the hell outta Woolworths, where my boss called me a transvestite, just cos I put on a santa jacket which turned out to be a womans size! Twat. Also worked in a pet-shop, so you could call me a 'pet-shop boy' budum tcsh! Boy I should do stand up, or at least sit down.
too intelligent for any real feedback... come on lamers need constructive critisim
<yawn>
Goad - are you actually everybody posting on this site? There are better non-specific words for thing. More descriptive. It's just jarring.
If you don't, it is a skive lesson.