horus8
on some deleted poem
4 Feb 2004, 11:42 AM
Dedicated to Leonore, in the hopes that we can all one day have such a refined and impeccable taste, as she does, in farm animals.
Poor jodpur. Misused. Unappreciated.
How do you mean 'scat'? Are we scatalogical? Do we jazz-scat?
I like this a lot. It reminds me of my own poems! Have a look at my poems and tell me what you think. I've been given a lot of negative feedback from people on this site, so I would appreciate a positive critique. Thanks! -10-
I recommend the following changes:
"Winter" -> "Winturd"
"tear" -> "smear"
Thanks.
Would that your bow'ls were as burdensome as mine -- I'd wager them capable of many a coiled disturbance in the force!
I didn't make it the whole way through your diatribe, but near the beginning you blurt something about this being a "serious" pome.
Ok let's test that claim, lol...here goes...
you're missing a "to" in s.2 L.1
In S.4 L.1, why "I buried my heart with" and not "I buried my heart with you" -- is this a colloquialism I don't know or was it to save a syllable for the rhythm?
in the next line, "that field" comes off pretty corny, why not just "in a field where grey stones stand"?
S.5 L.1 "...but went away" should be "...who went away" or "...but who went away"
now, after you're done getting all pissy at me like a senile cat that thinks it owns its owners house & everything in it, why don't you go make some constructive comments on one of my pomes? If you can. I personally doubt it. You obviously have some talent for writing, but apparently little ability to read and understand and contribute to others' writing. If I'm wrong, however, I'd be quite interested to hear your feedback. Foaming at the mouth at me, however, will not make me cry. It might make me giggle, and show it to someone for a good laugh.
adding in the "dear" and "my" to the 2nd rhyming line is a sweet touch.
Note to Lenore: I have to say, it's pretty fucking hard to miss that this pome is about a dead daughter, not a lost love.
INZANE IN THE MEMBRANE!
tell me, how does it feel to suck this much?
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=78003
dang, this is a plagarist!!
this is so not funny anymore. He's thirteen. Fuck off.
Hi Blindpoetry,
This is just a note to say don't listen to -=Dark_Angel=-. He is a fool, and is not to be taken seriously. Think of him as a sort of jester - a nude jester, granted - but a jester all the same. If you remember that simple rule, you will find him to be quite harmless.
If this silly episode can help your poetry in some way, almost certainly via some bizarre, highly tenuous leap of the imagination, then perhaps its lesson comes in the form of a web address:
www.dictionary.com
The next time a jester like -=Dark_Angel=- uses an obscure word like 'jester', or 'obscure', or 'tenuous', you can go there and look it up. There, I've given you three new words to start you off - best of luck, and God speed!
As ever,
-=Dark_Angel=-
P.S Don't worry about Billy Biff-Chin. Plagiarists are always caught by the webmaster within a few days.
why you be a plagiarisah? tha be bad.
bad gir.
Not exactly well put together. Nor is it a good song.
I want to repeat my earlier suggestion that pop songs be written to anagrammatically spell terrible and corrupting things, possibly with the first letters in each line. Oh, and there's a great post about a Hollywood meditational-CD assistant producer at this page: (poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=8520
all those lower case letters
and poorly-placed end-of-phrase linebreaks
remind me of nothing so much as
a struggling banjo-player
<chorus>
when i read this poeme
my shorts fill with shame
the vicar's coming round for tea
what am i to do
This poem has become a forum of the profane. I shall give it a 10, or what the old hippy upstairs would say "23.8457654657" whatever in the greenest fuck posible, that means.
"for water's search of nooks" - neither 'for' nor 'of' seems right.
"her currents steer / your bow to break" - also weird.
Very clever. Reminds me of good metaphysical stuff, some Herbert or Donne. They didn't bother naming their structures. Never really used the same one twice.
hahahaha!
Nice parody...